Friday, July 30, 2004

Adagio Pianissimo

Meeting ended surprisingly early today. I hurriedly called up the pedi to make an appointment but all fully booked. Damn. So another boring Friday evening at home. *yawn* Maybe not so boring, planning to watch Naruto when hubby gets back later.
I. Bored. Read what my friends wrote about me in Friendster. I think they are too nice. I don't think I am what they say. I'm just very impatient and suffer from hyperactivitiness, so I like doing many things ... though all half-baked. If I am so smart like what they say, I wouldn't be where I am now, would I? *laughs*
Have been feeling rather tired and listless these few days, and moving in slow motion. My hamstrings still ache a bit from all that yoga. Espeically tiring to climb up and down stairs. I used to run up two steps at all times usually, but today definitely weighed down by gravity ... and I'm even dragging my feet to class, clutching my pillow and not wanting to let go. *sniff* It's definitely one of those days to lie in bed all day and not do anything. :P
Okie, enough of the whinning ... gonna give myself a good nice hot soak and ... maybe play the piano? famous last words. *grins*
Nope, not playing the piano. The urge to do so has passed. I'm so ... sianz tonight. Dunno why too. I got a feeling I've read before Agatha Christie's The Murder at the Vicarage. There seems to be a familiarity about it. I've already got a sneaky suspicion of the murderer. Let's see if I'm right at the end. *sigh* that means I'm still going to read the book. Hubby reads books by flipping to the middle and starts reading from there. Maybe I should just flip to the end and find out who the murderer is. The last two AC books I've also seemed to have read them before. Hmmm ...
Hubby's back. Feeling much better immediately!! :) :) A person's presence can really play an important function!

Thursday, July 29, 2004

Mixed up. Weekend. My One.

Yesterday it felt like Friday.
Today it feels like Monday.
I'm so grateful the labs are on the same level, at least I didn't have to run up and down hundreds of times, only to and fro. What with my hamstrings aching. Blast the damn ... it was so safe and secure even we could not access. Build a prison and lock everyone out. Then you will be oh so safe. And was that the point? I say, rather ridiculous, what?
And a bloody waste of time.
and energy.
I have the tickets to Woman in Black. yippee :) Can't wait for the weekend. Lots of nice things happening. I have a couple of dates with hubby. *grins*. But I have to live through tomorrow first, and definitely not looking  forward to it; the prospect of another long drawn meaningless time-consuming WOMBAT meeting (that stands for Waste of Money, Brains and Time ... rather silly since wombats are actually cute!) is really not something I want to think of right now.

Hubby got his own blog up too. I'm amazed and impressed by the way he writes. Even though they're only rants. There's another side of him that I seldom see. :) :) :) ... love him, you know. :) It's strange to read his writings. We never did email to each other much.
Sometimes I know I'm irritated with him ... but the feelings don't last long. Somehow I can never get angry with him. We complement each other very well. He gets lost, I read maps. I can't park, he growls. He stays calm and explodes occasionally ... I yell most of the time and forgets fast. He's good at languages, I'm more logical. I am impatient and thinks fast, he takes his time to settle his thoughts. He talks shares, I fall asleep. :P I know sometimes he's irritated with me too, especially when I park or pronounce words wrongly. But it's all about patience ... and understanding, isn't it? And not losing it.
I remember once a long time ago I was so angry with him ... and hurt, and I was prepared not to have anything to do with him anymore ... and PM spoke to me. It was quite amazing actually, till today when I think of it. I never mentioned to her that I was upset and we had a quarrel, but she sensed it somehow and she said some things ... which I can never remember now, but it's carved somewhere ... but the words she said suddenly made everything so clear. And I realised ...

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Two cents

... about what I read here.
I think grief is very personal. I would also like to know how to help someone coping with grief, or rather what to do or what not to do. Sometimes the best of intentions may lead to the worst of disasters, or some advice you think is good may be viewed as flippant and unwelcomed. Each individual has their different needs. Perhaps the healthcare workers do what they do because they 'generalise' everyone to a case and do not go in depth enough. I mean, you have to know the person really well to truely understand, and to obtain their trust. Even then ... can you really understand the pain? There are people who are able to channel their grief out elsewhere and become all the more stronger, yet there are others who wallow in it and sink even deeper. How would you know which is which?
In a way, I feel that grief and depression are much alike, yet quite different. I'm always rather afraid to have to deal with people who have such strong sadness and grief. Whatever I may say sounds clumsy and awkward. But to see someone completely wrapped up in his/her grief and sadness is also heart-wrenching and one feels the need to say or do something, yet how will it help? 

A person who feels deeply is actually very much alive. To be able to feel from one end of the spectrum to ther other. Passion, as opposed to indifference. To have the memories so precious and beautiful yet sometimes sad and touching. Me - I only remember the happy things most of the times. :) Sometimes I wonder if I do envy them for such deep feelings and such beautiful memories. To have a memory - is it better than to exist? Is it better to exist as a beautiful memory? Or is it not? Will one appreciate it better if it has become a memory? Is it always like that where people do not truely appreciate what they have in their hands till it's gone? It's definitely a reminder to treasure what we have right now, and to live life to its fullest. Everyday counts. It will become a memory one day.

Sometimes I wonder. I'm not sure if I can feel so deeply. I feel rather numb to everything nowadays. Just happy, just living, sans complications. 

Perhaps there should be a balance some where.


I wash my hands. I will not get angry or upset. It is none of my business. He is an alcoholic and a bloody immature and stupid idiot. And I do blame them somewhat for all that coddling and emotional abuse and lack of principles. And him too for being thoughtless and being ... him. Doesn't he have any basic common sense? Shessh. At the end of the day, he has himself to be blamed. No matter how dysfunctional the family is, we got the same treatment as you, the rest of us all grew up okie. Everyone gets stressed but that isn't an excuse. You have to learn to cope no matter what. Only the fittest survive in this world. The weak will die. If you are depressed and you are willing to seek help, it is not too late. But if you refused to admit that and refused to help yourself and continue to dig the hole, then you will slowly be asphyxiated. I just hope the quicksand don't drag them in as well.

I am angry actually. And I don't know what to think. It's depressing to think about. I guess I never have much patience for people who do not help themselves. They can go and rot for all I care. The faster they are removed from the world, the better it is huh.

I need a hug. :X
To self: Do not think of it anymore. Very soon you will be out of this and it doesn't matter. DOES NOT MATTER.
Ignorance is definitely better. I should not have asked. Curiousity kills the cat. See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Shut up, don't think, don't know, don't wanna care. don't wanna care.
Where is my soothing J.B music?

* * *
I think she was crying. You always made her worry and cry for you. That stupid a*sehole moronic idiot. Don't you ever ever know better? Can't you for once think of someone else like her instead of always you? Bloody f*cking idiot. Grow up!

I laugh rather sarcastically. I can bet with you that after a few days he will be the same. Remember that time he had some bad pain (liver?) due to all the drinking and we all tried to help him. I even helped rub his back and gave him some advice ... the pain went away and the drinks came back, in force. The problem as I see it is you. You keep giving him excuses; you keep taking the responsibility away from him; you keep encouraging him subconsciously. And it will never work. Do you want him to be like the other one? All the stories you tell me I listened and I observed. This is just the tip of the ice-berg. Do something else it's going to get worse. Perhaps you can reach him if you know how. Perhaps it's easier said then done. One never really knows what to do huh? What can I do? How can I help?
Getting angry doesn't help. I thought she would help him, but instead it got worse. Instead of thinking for him, helping him to grow and improve, she's another immature selfish self-centered airhead thoughtless money-digger. Like attract like I guess.
I can do nothing about it except rant here. It is bloody none of my business. I need to get out of here.
Maybe I should try to be an airhead as well. :)


Today Yoga was Fantastic. with a capital F. Shoik. I am starting a 6 week intermediate course now, but I still have problems doing the bloody handstand on my own. Maybe I should try not to cheat when I do the Chaturanga Dandasana. More arm muscles needed! But to cut the long story short, yoga was great! I feel so happy tonight! :) And I'm not sleepy at all. yikes.
Note to self: Do not look at pictures in cookbooks when one is hungry.
Hmm, that guy seems to do so many things. Reading his wordy but well-described account on his life in chess, especially the part on friends, makes me think of my own team I had. Also he has definitely described the fear part very well. It was everything I had felt and more. My fingers were definitely frozen cold and my hands were trembling very obviously when I hold the pieces. And I couldn't sleep at night after that. With the bloody mind whirling non-stop through all the moves made. It's definitely not a good thing to have freezing fingers and trembling hands, especially when one is trying to play an exam piece on the piano in front of the examiner. Or shaking knees too. And clattering teeth. One can't very well press the pedal when one's knees are knocking each other, and clattering teeth do make strange noises.
Nah ... fear, let's not think too much about that. Now my team instead ... my memorable team who has been there for me then and even now. I smile as I'm writing this and thinking of them. :)
On the first board there's S. She was obviously a veteran. Solid, unassuming, nerves of steel, cold hard eyes, a somewhat floppy grin if she does grin, unbudging, unforgiving. Actually I'm a bit wary of her. Okie .. I'm a bit afraid of her. There .. it's out. She swears never to play anymore after our second year. I still see her around sometimes at Kino. If I'm feeling fey, I'd say hi to her, else most of the time I'll try to avoid her and her stare. heh. But she's a nice person, just a bit different from us.

The second board is my captain. She's the most fantastic person I've ever met. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't have played chess at all. She plays brillantly and crazily and is absolutely an airhead. I miss her, I miss her scolding, the crazy nonsense she'll sprout, her bimboticness and her cheerfulness ... and she does take care of us very well, even though she's rather psychotic at times. Oh dear, I hope she doesn't read what I wrote here. heh heh. I miss the parties she'd throw, the mahjong cum chess parties where she'll dress up *laughs* strangely, and feed us with spaghetti and drives all of us up the wall playing mahjong slowly and making mistakes. And now she's changed - became more .. assertive and more ... serious. Or was it I who had changed? I miss the old her.
On the third board is one of my best friend, who will be reading this ... so I shan't say too much. heh heh. Just enough to say that she had been there for me when I was in uncharted territory even though she may not know what I mean. And she wouldn't have known how I've always been so frightened of life, until ... not too recent.
Okie, so I am on the fourth board. As a 'brand' new player that time ... they felt that being on the fourth board was a safe choice ... and damn, I had to meet the captain of our nemesis team in the first round, and being totally unprepared, terrified and untrained ... obviously I lost and was completely a nervous wreak. I had not had the tournament nerves yet. And I remember our captain trying all kind of stuffs to cheer us up then.

On the fifth board, PM is an enigma and will always remain unreachable. But she will always be one of my treasured friends. She has a brillant mind and sometimes she's totally off this world. *laughs* Oh dear, I shouldn't be speaking of my seniors like that huh. I miss her too, I haven't seen her for a long time. There was once we walked down orchard road during the christmas season and admired the lights and the christmas trees and she always had a fondness for the big one at Mariott. Shopping with her was an eye-opener. Eating dim sum with her was an even bigger eye-opener, or rather stomach filler. Man, she can really eat. Cooking with her had been really fun. But she doesn't cook as well as me. heh heh. Though she knows how to make pepper crabs but I don't. :P Fine. She is another strange one. One year we walked down Orchard Road. Another year we went blading at East Coast. Yet another year, we went ice-skating. All once only. Asked me, 'Shall we blade/ice-skate again?' Said she, 'That is enough exercise for the year, maybe next year.' *rolls eyes* ... I shall have to get her soon. Persistance is the word. She is the only one I know who doesn't have a handphone and carries a pager which changes every six months.

And then there is Lin. who has been a loyal and good friend all these times. and who is persuing her dream right now. I will visit her one day ... which I've said a long time ago when she was in London. Erm, but I don't think I want to go to Kaz yet.

My team, my closest friends ... strange how chess brought us all together. Now each has gone their own way, and playing only for leisure. Perhaps because I started late ... that was why I was keen for much longer. But like all of you, there is no more fun in playing competitively.

Strange I can only remember this first team. I cannot remember the junior team. Min, can you? heh. And I had other teams, but none as close or memorable as this one. :)

One final note: I almost blew a fuse today at work. *laughs*

Monday, July 26, 2004

Dreams. Pensive Mood. Snippets of Memories.

I had a strange dream this morning. It is not everytime that I can remember my dreams, most of the times I would have thought I had dreamless nights, till hubby tells me I talk in my sleep, which means I must be dreaming right? Okie, not to digress, this morning I dreamt a story I read once before in a book. Or maybe not? I do not know. The dream was in words, with the images and feelings like how I would have felt when I read a book. And it seems familiar somehow. deja vu feeling. It feels like something I've read before. I'm not making any sense here. heh. Just so strange. I wonder what book it was. It really felt so familiar ... and I could almost grasp the whole story when I woke up ...
There are times sometimes long ago when I remembered my dreams because they gave me a sense of deja vu. I remembered once there was a dream I had, and a few days later, something happened much like what I dreamt of. Or perhaps I've got the order wrong. It's clouded now in my memory, but when that thing happened, it felt like it had happened before or else I had dreamt of it once. How strange it all is. :)
Sometimes I wonder about myself and what I want. Do I want to be a jack of all trades and a master of none? Or should I decide on something and do it well? There are so many interesting things to do, which I want to do, yet which I would probably not able to do it well, unless I spend time on it. There are some things I wish I could have done and some things I wish I'm better at. So how then, brown cow?
1. I would like to be a good cook. :) I have bought the kettle and a set of forks and spoons. I have yet to buy the wok, pots and pans and plates and cups. I would like to cook for hubby and myself and have him really enjoying my dishes. I would like to be as good as the chefs at my favourite eating place and as good as my parents too. Cooking is an art. I would like to master this art.
2. The piano and the violin. I wish I had put in more effort when I was still learning them. I wish I was more interested in them when I was still a kid. I had always thought playing the piano was so boring. Damn, I only practised the piano a few hours before the lesson each time because the pieces were all so boring and easy. I didn't know there were so much nice music out there. Will I ever have time to improve myself? Will I have the motivation to do so?
3. Chess. The interest died because ... I just wasn't good enough. Or to be more honest, I wasn't hardworking or motivated enough to do it well. And my friends all drifted away.
I guess I just need lots of motivation to do things which I want to. For a time, I had an email pal to write and share about music and I was motivated to learn new stuffs. And violin too. Yoga was motivated by Wen else I would have never started. :P Writing a blog was motivated by Hammie and now other bloggers. Spending money was definitely motivated by Wen too. *laughs* ... Knitting was motivated by hubby when I did the vest.
I remembered when I first started working, they just started a fencing club too. I was soo interested. heh. Made friends and wanted to join in ... till I saw the kids doing all those squats and horse-stands ... *bleah*.  I thought of starting a chess club and playing with them, till the markings got me down and I just wanted to lie down at the end of the day. It's actually the markings which make it bad ... and the meetings too. I wondered how Law is coping. heh heh. People think teaching is easy and good money and half-days, so why is the turnover rate still the highest? I have heard demoralising remarks about this job before ... and it makes me wonder. *laughs*
Nevermind. There's no point in writing too much.


I remember the first time I lost the game in my first ever tournament. I had just won the first three by luck by skill by fluke by whatever. They told me I'd be playing with the most powerful person next. She was the best player so far, and no one can beat her. Good intentions. But it made me so frightened. And it sapped whatever confidence I had. And it made me nervous. And I made a stupid move and dropped my queen. They said I put up a good fight, but it was all crap. It was already crap when I made the first move. It was a move made out of fear, and I can still remember till this day. Thinking back, would I had done otherwise if I had been ignorant and unafraid?

I remember that time I was so annoyed by my opponent by some sexist remarks he made before the game that I vowed silently I would beat him. It was a slow and lingering death, after he made a slight blunder(?) - a tempo for a pawn. My captain remarked that I was rather cruel, but I told him that he deserved it for annoying me. Anyway he could always have resigned right? heh heh.

I remember they said I could have won. Why didn't I? They believed that I was better than her anyway. Perhaps it was this belief they had of me which made me do badly. Or perhaps it was just a psychological barrier I had everytime I met her.

I remember the excitment I had when I met the Grandmaster. It was going well for me, making all the right moves till I came to a dead end. I remembered feeling totally lost, not knowing how to attack, not daring to make the unsound sacrifice and he was coming round again and I still haven't calculate all the possible permutations. I remembered wishing I had studied how to break such defense. He gave me a chance and I threw it away.

I remember I couldn't care anymore and there was no stress for me to win. They probably chose me because they were desperate to fill a place. And I won one and drew one. And that was the proudest and happiest moments I had. Because it was the best score they had for years. And me, without training. *laughs* Now, they train those kids real hard so no reason not to lose huh.

Now these are just some memories. If I think hard, I'd probably find I can remember almost all the times I've played. I think I'll never play like that again. Because (a) memorising openings isn't for me; (b) I cannot bear to lose, and the stress of wanting to win killed the fun; (c) sometimes I think that the real reason I played was to be accepted, to be liked and maybe respected ... and I don't need that anymore. I have become more confident of myself by other means or otherwise less bothered by what others think of me. Or simply put, more bochup. :)

I'm sorry

Oh dear ... I can't help but gloat a little. I did mention the problem it was going to cause, but they reassure me that they had made changes and everything was going to be all right. Really. I guess it's a little my fault for not looking through it completely and finding out completely about it, and making a big fuss of it. But then again, it wasn't my problem at all, as in I wasn't affected at all, and I was already feeling quite a busybody when I told them about it. I guess I should have brought it up to HOD but she was quite elusive those few times and I forgot about it after telling them and them saying everything was all right. Now it is indeed screwed up.*laughs* ... It's funny in a way ... I know I shouldn't be gloating, but I really felt like saying, 'I told you all already! And you pple screwed up!'
Lesson learnt #11243: Never assume anything, even if the person involved is senior to you.
Actually it was rather amazing how nobody 'saw' the problem. Especially the people involved. I guessed if I had been more kaypoh and less involved with my own work, I would have realised it? Hindsight is always ... nice.
Ah well ...
Now, one of them is no longer around, and other one just says, 'it's not my fault! it's not my fault!' DUH. Of course you are equally at fault. I told them both. And you kept saying everything was all right. I feel sorry for her now. And it's also my fault for not insisting and telling her. :(
I really dislike thoughtless people. And people who are so blur about everything. humf.

Okie, now this is really my fault. I have a niggling sense for some time already that something like this might happen, but I didn't do anything about it, like ask around or find out more. Since no one said anything, I didn't voice out my doubts. So ... problem happened. Why was I not surprised? *laughs* I am becoming just as irresponsible and bochup. I guess I'm just so ... tired nowadays.

Lesson learnt #13224: Never never assume anything at all! And the type of questions asked is very important. People cannot read your mind. *Sigh*

I remembered that time I asked, 'Does it matter which labs we used?' or something like that. It wasn't a problem, all the labs should be equipped. Great, so I went ahead and did what I have to do, and ASSUME that everything was okie.

Ah well ...

Not a very nice Monday at all.

Saturday, July 24, 2004

Notes to self.

Things I have done:
Tidy up the room today. Threw out 5 bags of stuffs. Room's still very cluttered though. Can't be helped. Hubby has lots of stuffs too. All his journals and magazines and handouts and whatnots. And he keeps getting new ones every month. Gosh, does he need to keep every single one and for how long? I need to revamp the filing system soon. Once we get our new place and build some cupboards and filing cupboards. And I can put everything neatly away and we'll probably not look at them until we grow old. :P
That took the whole day. Was planning to go out ... but.
Things I have yet to do.
Catch The Woman in Black. My friend caught it in London a long time ago and she told me all about it. Said it was the most frightening play she'd seen. No wonder she wasn't scared of The Ring, which I was. Extremely. Covered myself throughout the whole movie and almost asked her to accompany me home that time. heh.
Things I want to do now.
Read my book and sleep. be continued.

A few minutes ago.

I am so mad.
It is no wonder I cannot respect my mother as much as I love her. The way she does things can drive one up the wall. I think I respect MIL better. At least she has her principles even if one gets the brunt of it.
Grrr ... listening to Joshua Bell to calm my nerves.

Friday, July 23, 2004

On the Far Side ...

Week by week flies by so fast. It's simply so amazing. Just yesterday I was saying one more week to go and now, it is the end of the week soon. whew. And the good news is that I don't have to set the alarm clock to wake up early tomorrow morning! Hooray! :)

Hubby and I went to the library today and we got quite a lot of comic books. Darn, they hid them away up in the teens section. Good thing we went up there cos' I was looking for one of Diana Wynne Jones books. heh. Got one Terry Pratchett's graphic novel. Hmmm ... Now too many books to read and my room has been raided by a tornado again. Nevermind, there's tomorrow. :)

I've been feeling so much happier this year. I guess married life really makes one happier. And it does affect the things one sees, the things one does and the way one regards the whole world. Although there are times I would feel down, still one knows that it's only a temporary feeling and one just have to bear with it a little.

... Or perhaps the kids are much nicer people this year. Today I saw some of them returning to receive awards. Some of them seem downright rude, bored, arrogant; some of them looked positively stressed, tired, thin. Poor things. Life is definitely much better without the stresses. Imagine returning home to an empty house, both parents working and no siblings. It does indeed make one wonders is there any meaning left at all. When I was young, I came home once to an empty house, my mum wasn't in, and there was definitely an atmosphere of gloom about it. Deep grey sucking emptyness, silence cold hollow echos. And I only had it once ... to think if one has to endure that everyday. Poor things.

And that gives me an idea about something. But now, bed beckons. *yawn*

One final piece: Godiva Earl Grey tastes real solid. Smells good too. A little like the one served at Coffee Club(?). Especially for hubby who likes Earl Grey. Strangly the tea doesn't affect me much ... my gears are running slow. Godiva 85% dark chocolate's too bloody bitter for me but it's not enough for Wen. Gosh, I think her taste buds must have been desensitised. I couldn't wait to wash the taste out of my mouth! *bleah* It's more bitter than crunching panadols. I need them sweet. :) The coffee smells good too ... and the cocca looks interesting ... perhaps one day then.


Well ... instead of going for yoga, I went to indulge in sinful shopping. Finally, I own a Tod's bag. whew ... *laughs* Terrible me. oh terrible terrible me. unrepentent. smiles.
And so I shall be broke again this month.
And it is my first Tod's bag. Hubby says 'Wrong word used dear.' first?!?!
On a lighter note, I think Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code reads interesting. May go to the library or Sunny to get. The other interesting one is The Rule of Four by somebody I cannot remember now. Maybe if Borders give a discount in Sept, I might buy them. Damn, books are all on loan at JRL. Another book to read is Diana Wynne Jones The Merlin Conspiracy. Light hearted children's book. Am reading Agatha Christie again. Maybe Jane Marple isn't too bad after all. Body in the Library was quite nice. I knew how the murder was commited quite early but couldn't figure out who the murderer(s) were. Heh ... fun. :)
It's fun to go shopping with conspirator. We perpetuate crime. heh. Spending so much money. It's all her fault , really :P. I think I'm lucky to have a friend like her. People sometimes thought we were sisters. I mean, we don't even look alike. People are so strange. But sometimes I think she treats me like one. As I do her? We both don't have sisters. Sometimes I wonder what it's like to have a sister ... nah ... I'll probably be damn jealous. I like it this way. I'll have to remind her to invite me to her place the next time her mom makes bird nest soup though. *laughs*
Since I'm confessing tonight, I might as well say I'm terrible at counselling someone. I see all the signs of a lonely boy, left at home all alone. No siblings and both parents at work. Coming home to an empty house is the worst feeling ever. Having no one to talk to, becoming unmotivated and becoming nua, wondering what the meaning of life is, being a perfectionist and worrier to boot, and feeling isolated from friends. He's getting the classic signs of depression and is seeking attention. I'm glad he is still able to laugh at it, but all I can do is to be encouraging and provide a listening ear ... but the emptiness doesn't go away for him. What am I to do? :(

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Joshua Bell

Joshua Bell ... he's quite cute isn't it? :) And a very good violin player too. Read an article he wrote today. About him and his teacher and his practising. Kewl. Actually when xel told me about him years back, I wasn't interested at all ... till I heard the cd Romance of the Violin. The music is beautiful! :)

The nobility of suffering

I have a headache. An irritating niggling headache at the back of my head. Not too serious till I can't do anything, but painful enough to annoy me. And I had the headache since I woke up in the morning. A little throbbing one which pulses with my heartbeats. Arrgh. Should I take the Bextra and get rid of it once and for all? Blast the bloody headache.
I don't understand how anyone can have insomnia night after night after night. Surely by then one would be too tired to stay awake anymore? For me .. I can sleep anytime, anywhere. Just sitting on the granite ledge with my head in my hands and I'll doze off.
I think Agatha Christie's books are more on romance than on murders. :)
'She never needed Roderick Welman. She loved him, yes, unhappily - even desperately.'
Peter Lord, his face set and grim, said harshly:
'She will never love me like that.'
Hercule Poirot said softly:
'Perhaps not. But she needs you, my friend, because it is only with you that she can begin the world again.'
Peter Lord said nothing.
Hercule Poirot's voice was very gently as he said:
'Can you not accept facts? She loved Roderick Welman. What of it? With you, she can be happy ...'
~From Sad Crpress
Sweet ... and interesting :)
And I'm hungry.

Monday, July 19, 2004

What the ...

What the bloody blazes are ... blogshares? If anyone knows what it is, and how to remove one's blog from search engines, please ... please ... leave me a message. Damn, I thought I've already did something to remove the searching part. Help!

To Monday with love.

There is a need to write. To put down the thoughts and see them. I think I'm getting the hang of writing, not sure if it's a good thing actually. It's becoming a habit, to write a blog and to read other blogs as it was a habit to email. Too much isn't very good.
Anyway, it was a rather nice Monday today. Wasn't too hot but rather humid. We took the class out for an excursion, looking at the sculptures in the city. It was rather fun. And I think I would have appreciated it more if (a) I wasn't nursing a headache from lack of lunch, (b) it wasn't so humid, (c) that stupid strawberry milk sponsered by Magnolia didn't give me a stomachache. Truely, I'd enjoy myself looking at the artwork. Perhaps I shall go back one day with hubby to take another look. There are quite a lot around which somehow we don't really see them, do we? I should have brought my camera with me today. It was rather picturesque with the kids in uniform crowding around enthusiastically. And some of the artpieces are done by our own local artists and are pretty cool too. Sometimes we have to open our eyes and look around us. Singapore can be quite a nice place to walk around in too.
Have passed the elementary test. yay. :) I'm starting to think that attendance and class work plays an important part in the weightage of marks. Or maybe the teacher just like us. heh. Or perhaps they don't like to fail people after all since it's a commercial school and they'll probably lose money if you get retained. *bleah*  Am looking forward to the party. :) Oh and if you are wondering why I'm learning Jap ... it's simply because I want to sing along to my favourite Jpop songs. heh :)
Tomorrow is my father's birthday. I had an impulsive thought ... and I must remember it tomorrow. I always have the problem of having little brainwaves, and not acting on it after that unless I do it immediately. Just checked my bank account ... very little left, but ... it shall only be once in a year. So girl ... remember. I'm putting my thought here so I will not have the excuse of pretending that the thought did not exist. :P
You see, the difference between us and them ... is that, they don't really bother what us think. Unlike us ... year after year, you go though all the trouble getting feedback and after that trying to tailor to their whims. Oh, too long? Right - shorter now. Oh, too tough? Right - easier now. Oh, not fair? Right - will this do? Oh you want this and you want that? Right ... we'll try to improve ... for you. And there are still grumbles that every year the same one wins. OF COURSE THEY WIN ... they're good! Unlike them. The questions were damn bloody difficult. Only 2 out of 24 were correct. Well, tough. It's always the same ones that got there. Well, tough. If you feel there's no point joining, no one's stopping you. If you do join, don't whine about it.
Dinner's not ready yet. I'm weak with hunger. I need to store up some chocolates. :)

Sunday, July 18, 2004


Yesterday was the last lesson for the elementary 2 which ended with a big bang - TEST! Methinks I'm definitely not going to do well. During the orals, I froze. Literally. Dunno what teacher was asking. heh heh. Brain freeze. Her words didn't really reach the control centre of my pathetic little brain and the neurons there were still happily ... well, sleeping. Oh well, we'll see on Monday when the results are out. Hope hubby and I pass, then no need to study anymore. :)
One more week to go, and my time-table will be lightened considerably! yay! :) Which means I've more time to do stuffs since we'll be stopping Jap lessons for a while too.
Things to do:
1. dust the violin from the case, tune it and practise. I need to get a music stand first. (excuses excuses)
2. finish up my current knitting so that I can buy new books and do new stuffs. not much motivation to do it :P ... was more motivated when doing for someone else. like that time I only took 3 months to finish vest for hubby, but this current one has been sitting with me for ... 1 yr?
3. play the bloody piano! Which I had been doing the whole evening today on my MIL's piano. Hers sounds much nicer than my old one, which has a couple of broken strings.
4. err ... tidy up the room? yup, again.
5. ...

Listening to Chopin's Etude Op.10 No. 5 by Ashkenazy. Beautiful and crazily difficult to play. Totally no order from page 3 onwards. Okie ... I'm just too lazy to figure out the notes and practise. Now listening to Chopin's Ballade no.1. Hey ... I can play this piece! :) At least a third of it! heh. Hubby says Chopin's Etude No. 5 not difficult to play ... yeah right. I'd like to see him play that!

Here's something for me to remember: how to eat steak at Shashlik. Order one steak first and share. When finished, call the waiter back and order another one exactly the same as first, and share. I'm telling you ... it'll taste very much nicer! :) Food always taste good when both of you are snatching at it. ;) I dunno how to put chinese characters in but here's the quote: 'qiang3 zhe4 chi1 cai2 hao3 chi1'!

I realised that when I write I make a lot of grammatical errors unconsciously. Gosh, this is all the fault of too much singlish! When I've time, I'll need to go through what I've written and correct them. yikes. horrible english moi!
Hmmm, Chopin got a cello sonata. Wow. Okie ... I really need to compile a list of all my cds. And put them in my computer too. :)
Question of the day: Which is more difficult? Chopin pieces or Beethoven's? Chopin's Waltzes are relatively easy, as are his Nocturnes. The etudes are ridiculously hard, ballades, impromptus and schezos too. Usually playable but needing lots of patience ... which I don't have. Once upon a time, I told myself I'll try to learn the waltzes and nocturnes and preludes first, then move on to ballades, impromptus ... and maybe the schezos and etudes. Maybe I shouldn't be trying to play ten pieces at a time. *sigh* Beethoven's sonatas are usually playable. But ... there are some tough ones certainly. Maybe I should just play Mozart. heh. :)
Gawd ... just how much honey did I put into my cup of tea? I lost count of the number of spoons and was too happy adding the honey ... it's now too bloody sweet! yikes.

The modern woman

From here.
That is one hell of an essay. Very well written and very interesting. And most amazingly, by a 15-year old. From a top school. :) Reproduced below. 

* * *
The old woman sat in the backseat of the magenta convertible as it careened down the highway, clutching tightly to the plastic bag on her lap, afraid it may be kidnapped by the wind. She was not used to such speed, with trembling hands she pulled the seatbelt tighter but was careful not to touch the patent leather seats with her callused fingers, her daughter had warned her not to dirty it, 'Fingerprints show very clearly on white, Ma.'

Her daughter, Bee Choo, was driving and talking on her sleek silver mobile phone using big words the old woman could barely understand. 'Finance' 'Liquidation' 'Assets' 'Investments'... Her voice was crisp and important and had an unfamiliar lilt to it. Her Bee Choo sounded like one of those foreign girls on television. She was speaking in an American accent.

The old lady clucked her tongue in disapproval.

'I absolutely cannot have this. We have to sell!' Her daughter exclaimed agitatedly as she stepped on the accelerator; her perfectly manicured fingernails gripping onto the steering wheel in irritation.

'I can't DEAL with this anymore!' she yelled as she clicked the phone shut and hurled it angrily toward the backseat.

The mobile phone hit the old woman on the forehead and nestled soundlessly into her lap. She calmly picked it up and handed it to her daughter.

'Sorry, Ma,' she said, losing the American pretence and switching to Mandarin. 'I have a big client in America. There have been a lot of problems.'

The old lady nodded knowingly. Her daughter was big and important.

Bee Choo stared at her mother from the rear view window, wondering what she was thinking. Her mother's wrinkled countenance always carried the same cryptic look.

The phone began to ring again, an artificially cheerful digital tune, which broke the awkward silence.

'Hello, Beatrice! Yes, this is Elaine.'

Elaine. The old woman cringed. I didn't name her Elaine. She remembered her daughter telling her, how an English name was very important for 'networking', Chinese ones being easily forgotten.

'Oh no, I can't see you for lunch today. I have to take the ancient relic to the temple for her weird daily prayer ritual.'

Ancient Relic. The old woman understood perfectly it was referring to her. Her daughter always assumed that her mother's silence meant she did not comprehend.

'Yes, I know! My car seats will be reeking of joss sticks!'

The old woman pursed her lips tightly, her hands gripping her plastic bag in defence.

The car curved smoothly into the temple courtyard. It looked almost garish next to the dull sheen of the ageing temple's roof. The old woman got out of the back seat, and made her unhurried way to the main hall.

Her daughter stepped out of the car in her business suit and stilettos and reapplied her lipstick as she made her brisk way to her mother's side.

'Ma, I'll wait outside. I have an important phone call to make,' she said, not bothering to hide her disgust at the pungent fumes of incense.

The old lady hobbled into the temple hall and lit a joss stick, she knelt down solemnly and whispered her now familiar daily prayer to the Gods.

Thank you God of the Sky, you have given my daughter luck all these years. Everything I prayed for, you have given her. She has everything a young woman in this world could possibly want. She has a big house with a swimming pool, a maid to help her, as she is too clumsy to sew or cook. Her love life has been blessed; she is engaged to a rich and handsome angmoh1 man. Her company is now the top financial firm and even men listen to what she says. She lives the perfect life. You have given her everything except happiness. I ask that the gods be merciful to her even if she has lost her roots while reaping the harvest of success. What you see is not true, she is a filial daughter to me. She gives me a room in her big house and provides well for me. She is rude to me only because I affect her happiness. A young woman does not want to be hindered by her old mother. It is my fault.
The old lady prayed so hard that tears welled up in her eyes. Finally, with her head bowed in reverence she planted the half-burnt joss stick into an urn of smouldering ashes.

She bowed once more.

The old woman had been praying for her daughter for thirty-two years. When her stomach was round like a melon, she came to the temple and prayed that it was a son.

Then the time was ripe and the baby slipped out of her womb, bawling and adorable with fat thighs and pink cheeks, but unmistakably, a girl. Her husband had kicked and punched her for producing a useless baby who could not work or carry the family name.

Still, the woman returned to the temple with her new-born girl tied to her waist in a sarong and prayed that her daughter would grow up and have everything she ever wanted. Her husband left her and she prayed that her daughter would never have to depend on a man.

She prayed every day that her daughter would be a great woman, the woman that she, meek and uneducated, could never become. A woman with nengkan; the ability to do anything she set her mind to. A woman who commanded respect in the hearts of men. When she opened her mouth to speak, precious pearls would fall out and men would listen.

She will not be like me, the woman prayed as she watched her daughter grow up and drift away from her, speaking a language she scarcely understood. She watched her daughter transform from a quiet girl, to one who openly defied her, calling her laotu; old-fashioned. She wanted her mother to be 'modern', a word so new there was no Chinese word for it.

Now her daughter was too clever for her and the old woman wondered why she had prayed like that. The gods had been faithful to her persistent prayer, but the wealth and success that poured forth so richly had buried the girl's roots and now she stood, faceless, with no identity, bound to the soil of her ancestors by only a string of origami banknotes.

Her daughter had forgotten her mother's values. Her wants were so ephemeral; that of a modern woman. Power, Wealth, access to the best fashion boutiques, and yet her daughter had not found true happiness. The old woman knew that you could find happiness with much less. When her daughter left the earth everything she had would count for nothing. People would look to her legacy and say that she was a great woman, but she would be forgotten once the wind blows over, like the ashes of burnt paper convertibles and mansions.

The old woman wished she could go back and erase all her big hopes and prayers for her daughter; now she had only one want: That her daughter be happy. She looked out of the temple gate. She saw her daughter speaking on the phone, her brow furrowed with anger and worry. Being at the top is not good, the woman thought, there is only one way to go from there - down.

The old woman carefully unfolded the plastic bag and spread out a packet of beehoon2 in front of the altar.
Her daughter often mocked her for worshipping porcelain Gods. How could she pray to them so faithfully and expect pieces of ceramic to fly to her aid? But her daughter had her own gods too, idols of wealth, success and power that she was enslaved to and worshipped every day of her life Every day was a quest for the idols, and the idols she worshipped counted for nothing in eternity. All the wants her daughter had would slowly suck the life out of her and leave her, an empty soulless shell at the altar.

The old lady watched her joss tick. The dull heat had left a teetering grey stem that was on the danger of collapsing.

Modern woman nowadays, the old lady sighed in resignation, as she bowed to the east one final time to end her ritual. Modern woman nowadays want so much that they lose their souls and wonder why they cannot find it.
Her joss stick disintegrated into a soft grey powder.

She met her daughter outside the temple, the same look of worry and frustration was etched on her daughter's face. An empty expression, as if she was ploughing through the soil of her wants looking for the one thing that would sow the seeds of happiness.

They climbed into the convertible in silence and her daughter drove along the highway, this time not as fast as she had done before.

'Ma,' Bee Choo finally said. 'I don't know how to put this. Mark and I have been talking about it and we plan to move out of the big house. The property market is good now, and we managed to get a buyer willing to pay seven million for it. We decided we'd prefer a cosier penthouse apartment instead. We found a perfect one in Orchard Road. Once we move in to our apartment we plan to get rid of the maid, so we can have more space to ourselves...'

The old woman nodded knowingly.

Bee Choo swallowed hard. 'We'd get someone to come in to do the housework and we can eat out-but once the maid is gone, there won't be anyone to look after you. You will be awfully lonely at home and, besides that, the apartment is rather small. There won't be space. We thought about it for a long time, and we decided the best thing for you is if you moved to a Home. There's one near Hougang-it's a Christian home, a very nice one.'
The old woman did not raise an eyebrow.

'I've been there, the matron is willing to take you in. It's beautiful with gardens and lots of old people to keep you company! I hardly have time for you, you'd be happier there.'

'You'd be happier there, really.' Her daughter repeated as if to affirm herself.

This time the old woman had no plastic bag of food offerings to cling tightly to; she bit her lip and fastened her seat belt, as if it would protect her from a daughter who did not want her anymore. She sunk deep into the leather seat, letting her shoulders sag, and her fingers trace the white seat.

'Ma?' her daughter asked, searching the rear view window for her mother. 'Is everything okay?'

What had to be done, had to be done. 'Yes,' she said firmly, louder than she intended, 'if it will make you happy,' she added more quietly.

'It's for you, Ma! You'll be happier there. You can move there tomorrow, I already got the maid to pack your things.' Elaine said triumphantly, mentally ticking yet another item off her agenda.

'I knew everything would be fine.'

Elaine smiled widely; she felt liberated. Perhaps getting rid of her mother would make her happier. She had thought about it. It seemed the only hindrance in her pursuit of happiness. She was happy now. She had everything a modern woman ever wanted; Money, Status, Career, Love, Power and now, Freedom, without her mother and her old-fashioned ways to weigh her down...

Yes, she was free. Her phone buzzed urgently, she picked it up and read the message, still beaming from ear to ear. 'Stocks 10% increase!' Yes, things were definitely beginning to look up for her...

And while searching for the meaning of life in the luminance of her hand phone screen, the old woman in the backseat became invisible, and she did not see the tears.

~By Amanda Chong Wei-Zhen

Saturday, July 17, 2004

The Nanny State

Coddling starts from young. Unfortunately, as you grow older, the nanny-ing doesn't stop. At the age when the kids should be weaned to be more independent and responsible young adults, they are still being nannied. It doesn't stop. And it doesn't end. Any wonder why people say the country is like a nanny state? ha.
It doesn't help if we give in to every whims of theirs. It doesn't help if we nag at them continuously and provide them with every little bit of assistance instead of letting them find out for themselves the hard way. *sigh* And the sad thing is that, if you don't ... you'll be 'requested' to do so, or you might be 'complained', or deemed 'uncaring'. And the ranking and kiasuism just make it worse.
Yesterday my kids requested again that they be excused for the test next mon as they are involved in an external quiz. Reason was they spent the whole week preparing for the quiz and have no time to study. I was really reluctant to do that. Just because the other teacher allowed his students that, doesn't mean that I should do it too right? See, the others like Basketball, Band, Choir etc ... when they have their competitions, trainings were just as bad if not worse, and one never hears anything about such requests. And do you know those other kids turn out to be like? Extreme arrogance and cocky. Bullshit all the way. And there have been complains about their attitudes. *sigh* ... The world doesn't stop for you just because. They have to learn to accept the responsibility. Besides they have the rest of the Sat and Sun to revise right? Don't tell me they would take the whole week to study if they did not have the quiz. I'd not believe that. ha.
I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do. Sometimes it seems so difficult to do something just because. It has come to the point when you're afraid to scold or be too sarcastic. For fear of hurting their 'fragile' egos, for fear of 'abusing' them. I don't see what's wrong of saying ' you stupid lazy ____' because they are lazy and being stupid. But it has become an accusation of being a 'self-fulfilling' prophecy and .. yeah, you are at fault, not them. Like ... since I've been scolded stupid and lazy, I might as well be that ... it's not my fault. *whines*. It seems that swear words are less threatening and much more acceptable instead of perfectly normal descriptive English words.
Things I've said:
'Before you open your mouth, ask yourself the same question, and think about the answer and see if you know the answer. Instead of interrupting and disrupting the class and destroying my train of thought.'
... after the hundredth time of repeating the self-same question back to the boy and him giving me the answer and saying 'oh yeah'. But it still happened again. and again. and again after that.
Whenever I'm asked a question, I would always throw the question back at them. I swear I've grown colourful feathered wings and a bright beak. And almost everytime they had the answer there within them. Just what is so difficult then? I don't mind if they ask me something they do not know or are unsure of. But questions like that drives me up the wall. Maybe I'll fly away when I'm sick of parrotting. :P
Other things I've said:
'If you insist on behaving like a silly kid, I'll have to punish you like a child. Like stand outside and pull your ears.'
'fine ... if you don't want to do your homework and don't want to listen in class. Why don't you just stay at home or look for a job outside and stop wasting tax-payer's money?'
I wish I could be more subtly sarcastic. :P But I'm not sure if I could get away with it. Especially not now when tables are against us. Even my hubby gets it at his place of work. I'm sure he'll love to throw them out when the next healthy one comes asking for mc. The teachers who used to teach me had the skill of being subtly insulting honed to a fine art. And they do get away with it. heh.
And the remedials. ... sigh. More coddling, more nanny-ing. Them resenting, us resigned. It's not going to do any good does it? When would they learn to take responsibility for their own actions?

Friday, July 16, 2004


Places I Want to Return
In the early summer of --, Wen and I went to Japan. It was our first trip together, and we sorta 'backpack'. If you could call it 'backpack'. Put two spoilt city girls together for a trip to a city ... I wouldn't really call it backpack. At least, we didn't have packbags on our backs. We had those kind of luggages where you have to roll on the floor, and the trip was totally free and easy. We got the plane tix, booked the rail pass on the internet, as well as all the hotels and inns. Actually, Wen planned everything. I just tagged along. :P
We went to two places. Tokyo and Fukouka. Japan is beautiful. The trees are beautiful. Strange, what I can remember are the trees, the shrines, and the long walks we had. Walked we did, to see trees, trees and more trees, till Wen complained even. They're all the same aren't they? All green ... just trees. But I differ. I love trees. There's just something about a tree. They are all different. The colour and roughness of the bark. The smoothness and the different texture each tree has. The height of a huge tree, with emerald green leaves. Or a small crooked wizened tree, leafless and fragile against the oncoming storm. In Japan, the trees are all a marvel. They are trim and cut into symmetry, not a leaf out of synch. It's kinda artificial, but there's also beauty in that. Of course there are the 'rough' ones, and the contrast is something which you can spend moments just staring and wondering. Sometimes a tree looks imposing, other times it may look sad. Yet other times there is a breath of mystery about the tree, waiting to tell you its story. The trees have stood there for ages and ages, time passed, and we are just pawns in the world. I'm sure the trees have stories to tell if you put your ears into the wind, perhaps you can hear the trees wispering. I love trees. :)
The shrines are beautiful because of the trees. The greyness of the stone walls and stairs, the rich redness of the roof and the pillars. And the lush greeness of the beautiful trees. Sometimes they'll throw in a lake. Sparkling white and blue in the dim greyish sky. I could just walk and walk, staring in open amazement about myself. All those trees. Young, old, new, artificial, real, cute, huge. Mmmmm ... :) Wen was so tired of walking, but I could just get lost in the midst of the town, or the park, or the shrine. It's really beautiful there. I must go back. soon. :)
We were supposed to take the rail from Tokyo to Fukouka and as it was a 7 hour journey, we planned to take it at night so as to save one night's room rates. And of course after we dragged our luggage out from the ryokan to place in the lockers in the train station, going tiptuptiptuptiptuptippertupper along the paved walkway past closed shops in the morning ... we found that ... ooh yes ... the bullet train does not travel at night. Great news for two lost gals who did not know Japanese and ... now had no room to stay for the night. Thanks. Well, we still did our day sight-seeing, and Wen did have a friend there, who managed to help us get booked a room back at the same ryokan we stayed. So in the evening, after a long day tour of Tokyo city - it's imperial palace and shopping malls ... we went tiptuptippertuptippertuppertippertup back to our ryokan, passing again all those closed shops. Gee ... the people must be wondering what all the din was about. It was about 30 minutes walking distance, and a hell lot of noise we made rolling our luggage along the paved pavement. heh..

But it was fun. :) There are so much stuffs to write about the trip ... but it's just too long to say all. And it's too long ago. What's left now are just memories ... and photos. And a wish to return there sometime ... maybe soon.

Trees ... they're really important you know. :)

Cough cough ... hack hack

Wow ... new layout .. cool :)
A lot of people seem to be falling ill these few days. One of my kids had high fever continuously for a week ... now she looked like a skeleton. And someone got HFMD ... and today two more were sent home for high fever. The first time I've ever come across HFMD was in James Herriot's books. Gee ... I thought it was something only for cattles. We're definitely moving towards extinction now. :) And the weather isn't helping. It's really lovely weather to sleep instead of dragging yourself out of nice warm bed and into the rain. I think I do not like to be sick. I feel like sticking my finger down my throat and scratch it. :P And I'm a very bad patient. I hate taking medciene. Hubby rolls his eyes at me and says tis noble to suffer, eh?
On second thoughts, maybe I shouldn't have taken that sinful cookies n creme after all. But it was absolutely hard to resist! :P

Thursday, July 15, 2004

Shark Attack

There's definitely dried snot in my nose right now. And I'm starting to cough ... and Grandma got it too ... and I forgot what I wanted to blog about. :P Shark attack cos' that's the show on TV right now, which I am not watching, just happened to pass by the TV earlier.

Oh ... I remembered: Did yoga today, but my usual teacher's on leave. Bet she's somewhere in a beautiful island resort enjoying a yoga retreat. *green* Wish I could too. Her disciple took over the class today. She sure got a really great bod to drool over. :P Not like that lah ... no ... heh heh. I need to work harder on yoga. :) Man ... she's strong! And the stuffs she can do. Class was pretty easy. Come on .. it's general class not beginner .. you really don't have to be so kind on us :(. You know girl ... stop complaining. You've just recovered from flu .. be glad she didn't take you for 30 sun salutes. *bleah* I wish I'd dare to do backbends instead of bridge. I missed doing backbends, and only V.S allows us to try if we can. DUH.

Day today was boring as usual. It's rather lonely wandering alone in town. I used to enjoy it, but dunno why nowadays felt quite depressed. All my galfriends are either working ... or doing OT ... or have to rush home to feed the dog. *sigh* Oh dear ... I'm starting to sound boring too. Writing about the day. The boring day. The nice thing is that I went to have cookies n creme at dome above borders today! It was a toss between trying the borders chai or CnC. CnC wins. heh. Wah ... that drink rocks. Definitely my type of drink. Definitely lots of calories as well. :) Definitely not very healthy at all. heh heh. Who cares? ;P

Life is definitely peaceful ... and dull.

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

After dinner musings

I think I must have passed the flu to just about everyone else. Mom got it quite bad. She's running a fever. Maybe she got hers at the hospital? Hubby is now sniffing and sneezing away too. But it's his fault for not having enough sleep! My nose is still kinda stuffy and throat feels raw, but I don't think I'm that sick to get mc. :( Oh well.

Played a bit of the piano earlier. Damn, I'm playing Beet's The Tempest first movt allegro as andante. Oh why oh why oh why is it so bloody difficult to 'relearn' a piece? My fingers are no longer obeying my mind!! I need to find some quiet day and sit down and play seriously. Not half-heartedly cos dinner was so late. :P And not when I was hungry. Strange the piano sounded ... old. heh. rrrright.

I think I should stop watching Howl's Moving Castle. It's probably the 100th time I'm seeing it. With its heartwarming music and beautiful characters and so romantic story-line ... oh dear me ... I can't stop watching it over and over again with a silly grin on my face. heh


Impressed Again

Well, this chap is just incredible. Just when you thought it was going to be like in a way, the whole story twisted again, which left you waiting, waiting ... for the next chapter. Wow ... Chapter 5 is done ... and things are getting rather hot ... and mysterious. :) Amazing how a story can grow out of air, or rather ... from the imagination. I wish I could write so well. :)

Heh ... I shall be inspired to try a little writing as well. Just a little ...


But definitely not today. Brain's scrambled. :P Can't think with Stacy Kent's sleepy music, nor with the head full of thoughts of Howl's Moving Castle! :) Ohh .. I've played that little trailer like 6 times already? And the music is sooo cool! I'm going to get the book tomorrow. heh ... Makes me wish I'm 10 years younger. And I'm going to trawl HMV to see if they've got the CD. But I doubt the music's going to be out yet huh? :(


Had an interview today. I think I screwed this one up as well. I think the problem is that I don't really know what exactly I want.


Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Howl's Moving Castle

Howl's Moving Castle

Arrgh! Howl's Moving Castle ... amine by ghibli studio is coming soon! I've been waiting for it a damn long time. Did I mentioned Spirited Away was one of my favourites? As well as the whole lot of amines from Ghibli? Waaah .... Music is beautiful!!!!! :) :) ... I can't wait for it to start. Did I mentioned I love the book by Diana Wynne Jones? I must have, earlier. Yeah, that is one other thing I need to do. Buy all the DVDs of the animes by Ghibli Studio. Okie ... buy the cd of songs sung byYumi Kimura as well. Get the dvd/vcd of HMC as well. Damn, the last time my friend told me the whole bunch of Studio Ghibli amines were sold at SL ... and I didn't go and get them! :( I'd better get the book by DWJ too ... did I get it the last time?? Must go check bookshelf later. Arrrgh! DWJ is so much nicer than HP. :) :)

Can't wait ... can't wait ... can't wait ... can't wait ... :)


Jo Sharp got a whole bunch of new books too!!! I want! I want!!! :)

Blog of a rainy day

Typical boring day today. Went to work and felt terrible. Came home and slept it all off, but nose still stuffed. Something unusual. A kid with 5 ear-holes on a ear, and he shaved his legs and arms! duh. Was tempted to ask if he did his armpits as well. very tempted. :P Self-control okie? :)

I would like not to work tomorrow.

Monday, July 12, 2004

The funny bone is at the elbow

Now ... this is absolutely hilarious. This chap definitely has it. Must be a really funny person irl? :)

I can never remember all the funny things I said .. esp those that got them laughing. I remembered once someone said something, (was it me?) ... and everyone laughed. Really laughed. I had to stop and laugh too. And it got them started even harder. It must be me. I'm always slipping up my tongue. Either on purpose or accidentally. heh .. the things we say. ;)

But I guess I'm never good at telling jokes, or writing funny stuffs either. Somethings are not meant to be. Anyway, it's more fun to read. heh


Hmm ... I think I shall go back and get it after all. :)

Self-induging trivials

In the wake of more important things out there, I can't help but write about me self-indulgence. Warning! All small-minded people out there - do not read. :P


Question of the day: Should I rebond my hair or shall I do a ceremic perm?


The last time I did a ceremic perm, (a few months before my rom), my kids did a collective and very audible wow as I walked down the line the day after. It was mighty embarassing ... but a little ... well ... truth be, I was rather pleased. heh heh. Sadly I'm extremely lazy, like a wombat (gosh, I must scan that pic of the wombat one day!), and prefer to stay in my warm bed as long as possible which usually ends up rushing through dressing and make-up, so where got time to do hair also lah! No time to eat breakfast even!! So now my hair is in a state of mess, little matching a nest, and dropping like anything! (The loud Jpop music is scrambling my brains so I do not apologise for incoherence; damn, said music is actually irritating ... next .... ahhh :))

Now, if I were to rebond my hair, I won't even need to comb it in the morning right? What a lovely thought! :) heh ... then again, it'll be FLAT and BORING. *sigh*

So what now?

Next self-indulgent thought: I wish I'm a little taller. ... andprettierandsmarterandslimmer. There ... all out. Oh wait, and perfect eyesight. There ... so sue me. :P (Don't worry dear, if you're reading this ... I'm just self-indulging tonight. :)) Oh .. one more ... and R$CH. heh heh heh

When I was a kid, my older brother had to wear glasses around primary 4 or something. Boy, did I not think it was the coolest thing ever? I also want leh! So what did I do? The most stupid thing ever. I read and read and read till I could feel my eyes got tired and strained. I remembered that so clearly. And of course I got what I wanted soon after. Now, my dear brother did lasik and got almost perfect eyesight (with his lovely eyes and long lashes) and what am I left with? sillyme. And I hate wearing contact lens cos' ... I'm just lazy. heh. And I'm not willing to risk my eyes for anything ... yet. Ah well ... the trials of being vain. :P

Hmmm ... I can't remember what else I want to self-indulge in right now, till the next time I remember then.

... will be continued one day. ;)


Ohh .. actually the above wasn't written by sane boring old me. It was the evil twain. Whatever that means. It must be the flu in the head, which I've ... whoops, spread it to my mom. *bleah*

An uncharitable thought

This morning while I was waiting at the doc's waiting room, watching the morning programme whatdacalltat, the one which is always on in the morn - it wasn't very crowded but it was a really long wait, an extremely uncharitable thought struck me. I think it might have to do with reading the book which I had just finished or maybe it's just a cruel streak in me all along ... hmm. Well, anyway, it kinda went like that. On the TV were two handicap guys on wheelchairs, one of them was playing the keyboard. The sound on the TV was soft, but I could see that it was rather badly played when they zoomed in on his fingers, and ... I dunno, but the two of them looked kinda uncomfortable. And I thought, why are they on TV? Why are we displaying them like ... well, ... like freaks on show? It wasn't as if they were extremely good with what they are doing or they were enjoying themselves. Perhaps they are just getting on with their lives. Hmm ... how do I put what I felt in words? For a while, I was disgusted by the whole humanity thingy. Do we do charitable things just so it makes us feel good? That us humans are so benevolent and kind and willing to help such people, or that it makes us feel good when these handicap people are able to overcome their disabilities and do something for themselves or ... play a musical instrument? The whole thing seemed extremely hypocritical especially when we are killing each other without blinking our eyes in wars, in murders ... and abuse. And with the sound muted on the TV, the presenter looked so fake and bored, mouthing words without meaning.


What's up?

It's a gloomy Monday today. Rain rain rain. And I'm staying in with a bad flu and sore throat. Yeah, it's rather annoying to be blowing my nose all the time. And what else am I doing but clearing my room again? I seemed to be always clearing up my room. As days pass, more papers pile up on the floor, till I'm fed up enough, or free enough, or bored enough to sort through them and either file or discard them away. Reciepts to be checked against bills, magazines to be put aside and truely speaking, I really don't know what lies beneath all that. heh. And now they're spread all over the floor of my room, and I'm taking a break. Then, I will just gather all of them together again and put them on the floor against the shelves again. And only a little bag of rubbish get thrown out. Any wonder why the pile of papers never go away? :P

I don't know how my new place would look like next time. Is it also going to be a mess? :P I sure hope not. heh heh ... I'd like to have shelves running from top to bottom and they'll be filled with books. :) And I promise to be neat. So will my hubby. *nudge nudge* ;)


Books: Just finished reading Disordered Minds by Minette Walters. Very interesting. Here's an interesting quote:

Money. With it, a man could lock his resentments in a box and be the person he wanted to be. Without it, he was nobody.


Was listening to Beethoven's Piano Sonatas earlier. Made my fingers itch. But, I need to clean up my room first ... then revise Japanese. Damn ... better put on Joshua Bell instead. :)

Today's puzzle: 1 min 39 sec. No kick anymore. Probably will play only when experiencing extreme boredom.

I think I need a nap. Music is making me sleepy. :P

Sunday, July 11, 2004


After the last few days of non-stop action, sleepless nights and long working hours, I've finally succumbed to the flu. running nose and a sore-throat. And my ridululously many sneezes. Actually, except for the sore-throat, which kinda hurts, I don't really feel different from another day. Just that my nose now leaks instead of getting stuffed. And well, more sneezes. Damn, I can't even get sick properly. :P Still thinking of whether I should take an mc for tomorrow. heh. And I've just taken the little red pill, which is making me feeling woozy now. Just had lunch so will lie down in a while.

I always feel slightly bad when I go and try to get mc from my doc. Okie, just a little, it's getting better ... with practise ... heh. And I try to console myself that I'm not the worst after hearing stories people invent to get mc. At least, I do feel rather sick. *bleah*

medciene taking effect on a full stomach now. zzzzzZZzz

Saturday, July 10, 2004

Insomnic ramblings & grumblings

I woke up at 4am this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. With a little headache on one side. Finished up the changes for the quiz which took about 30 minutes ... which made me wonder why the hell I brought back the laptop when I could have just done it later at work. Shessh. So now here I am to blog myself to sleep. :)

My colleague had three concurrent days mc for insomnia. wow. I'm amazed. I wonder how she managed that! I wonder which doc she went to see. heh ... I've not been sick enough. So tired, so stressed ... yet no rest. And I can't even take a day off. Working seven days everyday sucks. The only way I ever fall 'sick' is to get a stupid sore throat, and it's only when I get so stressed and eat lots of chocolates plus a bit of cold. And it felt so lame too. DUH.

We went to see mil yesterday and she looked all right. Depression, hubby said. I guessed he's right. I dunno. She looked sad. *sigh* He certainly didn't approve of going to A&E, and they waited almost 6 hours to be admitted. But he was overruled. And at the end of it all, it seemed somehow that he gets the 'blame'. For anything. :(

Yesterday they wanted to make some changes to a question. Yeah right. Thank you very much. Now you tell me you changed your mind about them being in the plant kingdom. Why didn't you decide earlier? All the kids said they were not, and you had to insist. Now ... blast it. I've printed, enlarged, cut, scotch-taped four sets already and I'm NOT going to make any changes. Man ..I was so angry. No, actually I wasn't. I was too tired. heh heh. Too bad. I'll be curious to see who's going to do it all next year. Probably the newest and youngest one. ha. Hasn't it always been like that?

I've not done the Jap homework yet. That needs about 2 1/2 hours later. I need to revise, revise, revise. Come to think of it, I've never studied so hard before. heh heh. I must be getting old. I need a massage. My neck hurts. And I can't find the time yet to go. I need to do yoga.

I missed Bali.

Friday, July 09, 2004

Scented therapy

A most interesting rotting smell greeted my nostrils this morning when I stepped into the staff room. Guarenteed to wake the most sleepy-headed plebeian. My nose is becoming accustomed to the smell now. A few neurons in my brain have definitely been re-programmed.

Two days ago, a large, furry and extremely dead rat was found in the pantry. Wow. Shall we give it to the biology lab for an autopsy?



Sleepy, but staying awake ... waiting for hubby. And news of MIL. She's going back to the hospital. Not very sure exactly for what. Everyone seems uncertain. Ever since she fell down and hit her head. :(


Received: a junk mail in my email. Another of those money scams. Didn't bother to read.
Wonders: how anyone can fall for it.


Today's puzzle: 2 min 27 secs. My brain feels woozy. I need to close my eyes for a while.


One final rehearsal tomorrow. My program is up and running, and I've got most things ready (I think). Will be a long day later. Timer program may not work very well. Hubby said I've been talking in my sleep again. heh. stress probably. :P Interview was okie, but I've probably put my foot in my mouth this time. I mentioned I didn't mind contributing by organising quizzes. Did I actually say that? OH no! I do mind actually! What did I just say?! Into the fire methinks. No more quizzes!! Arrgh. *blinks* ... I can't believed I actually said that. Okie ... next please. Maybe a chess club might be nice, but do I have to run one??? NOooooo ... can I just be a lazy little wombat? :) I don't mind playing with trashing them. heh. Most therapeutic. Err, did I say I was interested in music too? Was I that desperate? OH shoot. Yeah, give me more interviews to dig myself into deep deep hole. bleah.


No news yet. Waiting ... waiting ... *sigh*

Thursday, July 08, 2004

Of yesterdays and todays


Boy runs out of the classroom, following teacher.

Boy: cher! cher!! (teacher pauses) ...wait! wait! see! I've finished my work! See ... all done already!! (shows paper)

Teacher: (absentmindedly nods) That's good. (smiles, turns to walk away)

Boy: No! Wait! See!! All done!!

(sudden click - remembered that earlier had confiscated the homework of another subject he was doing copying non too discreetly from a classmate's during lesson. Both papers were confiscated.)
Teacher: Ahh ... you were supposed to be doing the holiday assignments which I've asked you to hand in last week!

Boy: But I was doing homework what! I finished this paper already! Gimme back my paper!

Teacher: Nope, you had not handed in the assignments I gave you.

Boy: At least give me back my friend's work! It's not fair for her!

Teacher: You shouldn't have been copying. You can get your work back from Mr.

Boy: But he'll scold ... gimme back!

Teacher shrugs and walks away.

Point of the story: She might be tempted to relent if she heard an apology or at least some remorse. Definitely not spoilt petulant demandings. She didn't like to confiscate objects because the objects would invariably end up in the building of the excellent condo at table or in the wastepaper basket.



And then there are some who are so ya-ya-pa-pa-ya. And refused to do their class-duty, and gave you the 'look' when asked to clean the board please. A smart guy with a bright future who appeared on the national TV. Him and his good friend. When asked if they did class-duty at point blank, slumped onto the chair, hands folded. No, his friend said. What did my friend said? Oh, he said no? Then I'll tell the truth too. No. Eventually the classmates chipped in to clean the dirty room, while the two sat there talking and laughing away with no traces of guilt. What monsters are we bringing up?


A quote from Minette Walters 'Disordered Minds' - an excellent writer!

Among his character traits will be aggressiveness, impulsiveness, self-centeredness, an inability to see another person's point of view and a lack of forward-thinking, all of which will make it difficult for him to understand the consequences of his actions and lead him to act on emotion and whim.

Some little thoughts

Back to the topic about dead people. It's not so spooky right now to write about it since there seemed to be more people around tonight, and my door is opened. ;)

Sometimes I believe that when our loved ones (or family - ancestors) pass away, they'll still be with us somewhere, and perhaps even be watching over us. I remember when I was a kid, sometimes we would stay over at my grandmother's place. The place was rather big, with two floors. At night, the small altar will be lit by red lights. It was rather eerie, but somehow I wasn't really frightened, even with all the ghost stories they said about the place. I remembered being along once in the house, at night - everyone was out ... and I was busy and feeling all right, until I started thinking too much and my hair stood on ends. heh. Okie ... what really makes me believe sometimes is what my mom tells me. I can't remember what exactly she said about my maternal grandfather - it had been a long time, I think she mentioned that when he left, sometime around the week, she had a dream ... of him coming back to take a look and made sure we were all all right. Even for my paternal grandfather, my mom didn't really had a dream, but she did win the lottery, and she believed that it was him who helped her, since my paternal grandfather always had a fondness of her ever since he sampled her cooking ... heh ... and she was the only one who won. A little but good enough.

I'm not sure if I can even start to understand the pain a person goes through when he/she loses a loved one. The closest I'd ever come across, was a young man in his thirties ... a friend, not very close ... but young and full of life and dreams. One day he simply collapsed at work, was sent to the hospital and pronounced brain dead. He was strong and healty and full of energy and he left behind a young wife and two small kids. It was very painful to watch when I went to the ICU. It was very shocking and sad. And I didn't know what to say or do because there is nothing I can say or do. One can only watched helplessly and it seemed totally surreal. I can still remember that day when my friend called me at work and told me the news. I can still remember how my heart missed a bit and it felt suddenly so cold. I can still remember how I took time off and rushed down to the hospital. And how we stood by the side with his friends and colleagues. And we just couldn't do anything or say anything. How terrible it must be for the wife and kids to lose a loved one, yet life must go on. The living must simply be strong and perhaps believed that even if they are gone, they'll always be close by.