Monday, July 26, 2004

Dreams. Pensive Mood. Snippets of Memories.

I had a strange dream this morning. It is not everytime that I can remember my dreams, most of the times I would have thought I had dreamless nights, till hubby tells me I talk in my sleep, which means I must be dreaming right? Okie, not to digress, this morning I dreamt a story I read once before in a book. Or maybe not? I do not know. The dream was in words, with the images and feelings like how I would have felt when I read a book. And it seems familiar somehow. deja vu feeling. It feels like something I've read before. I'm not making any sense here. heh. Just so strange. I wonder what book it was. It really felt so familiar ... and I could almost grasp the whole story when I woke up ...
There are times sometimes long ago when I remembered my dreams because they gave me a sense of deja vu. I remembered once there was a dream I had, and a few days later, something happened much like what I dreamt of. Or perhaps I've got the order wrong. It's clouded now in my memory, but when that thing happened, it felt like it had happened before or else I had dreamt of it once. How strange it all is. :)
Sometimes I wonder about myself and what I want. Do I want to be a jack of all trades and a master of none? Or should I decide on something and do it well? There are so many interesting things to do, which I want to do, yet which I would probably not able to do it well, unless I spend time on it. There are some things I wish I could have done and some things I wish I'm better at. So how then, brown cow?
1. I would like to be a good cook. :) I have bought the kettle and a set of forks and spoons. I have yet to buy the wok, pots and pans and plates and cups. I would like to cook for hubby and myself and have him really enjoying my dishes. I would like to be as good as the chefs at my favourite eating place and as good as my parents too. Cooking is an art. I would like to master this art.
2. The piano and the violin. I wish I had put in more effort when I was still learning them. I wish I was more interested in them when I was still a kid. I had always thought playing the piano was so boring. Damn, I only practised the piano a few hours before the lesson each time because the pieces were all so boring and easy. I didn't know there were so much nice music out there. Will I ever have time to improve myself? Will I have the motivation to do so?
3. Chess. The interest died because ... I just wasn't good enough. Or to be more honest, I wasn't hardworking or motivated enough to do it well. And my friends all drifted away.
I guess I just need lots of motivation to do things which I want to. For a time, I had an email pal to write and share about music and I was motivated to learn new stuffs. And violin too. Yoga was motivated by Wen else I would have never started. :P Writing a blog was motivated by Hammie and now other bloggers. Spending money was definitely motivated by Wen too. *laughs* ... Knitting was motivated by hubby when I did the vest.
I remembered when I first started working, they just started a fencing club too. I was soo interested. heh. Made friends and wanted to join in ... till I saw the kids doing all those squats and horse-stands ... *bleah*.  I thought of starting a chess club and playing with them, till the markings got me down and I just wanted to lie down at the end of the day. It's actually the markings which make it bad ... and the meetings too. I wondered how Law is coping. heh heh. People think teaching is easy and good money and half-days, so why is the turnover rate still the highest? I have heard demoralising remarks about this job before ... and it makes me wonder. *laughs*
Nevermind. There's no point in writing too much.


I remember the first time I lost the game in my first ever tournament. I had just won the first three by luck by skill by fluke by whatever. They told me I'd be playing with the most powerful person next. She was the best player so far, and no one can beat her. Good intentions. But it made me so frightened. And it sapped whatever confidence I had. And it made me nervous. And I made a stupid move and dropped my queen. They said I put up a good fight, but it was all crap. It was already crap when I made the first move. It was a move made out of fear, and I can still remember till this day. Thinking back, would I had done otherwise if I had been ignorant and unafraid?

I remember that time I was so annoyed by my opponent by some sexist remarks he made before the game that I vowed silently I would beat him. It was a slow and lingering death, after he made a slight blunder(?) - a tempo for a pawn. My captain remarked that I was rather cruel, but I told him that he deserved it for annoying me. Anyway he could always have resigned right? heh heh.

I remember they said I could have won. Why didn't I? They believed that I was better than her anyway. Perhaps it was this belief they had of me which made me do badly. Or perhaps it was just a psychological barrier I had everytime I met her.

I remember the excitment I had when I met the Grandmaster. It was going well for me, making all the right moves till I came to a dead end. I remembered feeling totally lost, not knowing how to attack, not daring to make the unsound sacrifice and he was coming round again and I still haven't calculate all the possible permutations. I remembered wishing I had studied how to break such defense. He gave me a chance and I threw it away.

I remember I couldn't care anymore and there was no stress for me to win. They probably chose me because they were desperate to fill a place. And I won one and drew one. And that was the proudest and happiest moments I had. Because it was the best score they had for years. And me, without training. *laughs* Now, they train those kids real hard so no reason not to lose huh.

Now these are just some memories. If I think hard, I'd probably find I can remember almost all the times I've played. I think I'll never play like that again. Because (a) memorising openings isn't for me; (b) I cannot bear to lose, and the stress of wanting to win killed the fun; (c) sometimes I think that the real reason I played was to be accepted, to be liked and maybe respected ... and I don't need that anymore. I have become more confident of myself by other means or otherwise less bothered by what others think of me. Or simply put, more bochup. :)

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