The world is an ugly place. It's amazing how unforgiving people can be, and how much their ugly nature comes in to take advantage of every single situation. True, we were partly to be blame. We had a shock, and we were willing to make amends. The Malay was not seriously hurt, just a few bruises from falling. His bike was a bit wobbly but nothing broken. It was a close shave. Thank God. A hard lesson learnt. Braked in time, we did not hit him, he hit us (or did he?) and fell. We were willing to compensate but how much? No, a whole group of Malays then descended down on us, like sharks out in a bloody frenzy. I'm sorry sharks, I think you're nicer creatures than men. Shouting and demanding all kinds of things. Were they trying to frighten us? Said one so furiously: you are not going to get away with this! I am a public servant! You will hear from my lawyer! While the Uncle kept quiet, the rest argued and demanded money and simply making lots of noise for some reason. Injustice! Do we have to pay with a pound of flesh? The other guy whose parked car got dented by the fallen bike also made hue and cry not unlike over a dead person. He cursed and sweared and shouted and argued and threatened. Riots all started this way.

So we made a police report. He came and saw and listened. Told them all to report to their insurance. I doubt we will be making any claims. I wonder if the Malay is going to, his bike doesn't looked like it needed the workshop. The parked car may not even be able to claim from us! How ironic. The Malay daughter called up to ask for compensation. Too late huh. I will laugh. From feeling terrible about the whole incident to becoming cynical about the whole thing. We shall see what happens next.

Same reason for my lack of compassion for charities. Sometimes I feel awfully evil. But to have the cans thrust out right under my nose and the person demanding ... yes, demanding that I give, oh to the cancer patients or to what-not charities, I don't know, it really turned me off. Especially in the light of the recent revelation from NKF. Compassion .... must it always be in the form of money? Is one lacking any if one wishes not to donate? Have we become a communist state where the average has to give to the poor and a capitalistic state as the rich gets richer? The G wants the families to take care of their own elderly and is unwilling to help. If the families are unable to, then everyone else must help except G. That's just it isn't it? Me, I shall take care of my Granny first and my familly and other less fortunate people I know personally.

TGIF. I get to go off real early today, first time since the year started! :)

Something interesting

From Yoga Journal: Living in an Age of Fear

With mindfulness practice, you learn to see how the untrained mind is agitated by the human condition and how not to allow this general anxiety to fuel your fear in a specific situation. You also gain tolerance for the unpleasantness of uncertainty and also the naturalness of your own imperfection. You have confidence that "life is like this." You cannot and are not supposed to miraculously fix it; rather, you gain the insight that happiness and peace come from relating to life just as it is.

How true :)

Now I remember what it was that I wanted to write.

The maverick

She emailed the whole staff as well as the management and the big head her true and uncensored and unabridged opinion about the system and about someone in particular. Where others talked about it in hushed tones or complained in the safety of their own circle, she said all - straight from her heart. Some may say it's damn rude, some may think she's asking for trouble, some may feel she's couragous, and some may think she's crazy. Whatever it is, did it achieve the desired effect? Would it be another of those things where when something bad happened to the cat, you sweep it under the carpet and spray the room with nice scent and serve tea to stiff-lipped aunties? Honestly speaking, I thought her email would have been rather vague if she had not explained to me what she was getting at. She explained to me before I read it so it was quite clear when I thought of what she said. It didn't really affect me, but it was rather interesting to read. The intrigues and politics which happened all around you. The invisible currents which tugged at you, pulled your hair and whispered gloom and dipped unhappiness. I'm really not sure if it has the effect she wanted though. There are some who spoke up to support her yet the important people remained silent, their cheeks turned the other way, halos showing. The top privately emailed her, cautious and diplomatic yet meaningless. There was one who spoke up too which I'm not sure if she would have liked that since I doubted she supported his ways in the first place. Ahh, the irony of it all. It's quite amusing actually. In this society, why bother?

I do not have any opinion, I neither support what she has done nor condemn it. I am not interested in the politics of a small narrow-minded culture. Just do one's best in whatever one has to do. Be it so if one's work is never appreciated or condemned. Be it so if one's best is not the best in another person's eye. Let it go, it really doesn't matter when one is gone. I can't find any feelings for the whole affaire. I simply feel like an on-looker. I've complained too, felt frustrated over things and yelled at the top of my voice. Lanced it out of your system and let the peace in back to you.

Do yoga. :)

A little something about my dearest

I want to write this about my dearest for a long time. Perhaps someday he may read this, and he'll know how much he means to me. If not, I just want to put it down so that I can read and remind myself how much he means to me. :) Especially when I'm angry with him. *heh* He is not perfect, of course ... but he doesn't have to be. Sometimes he drives me nuts with his F9 topo skills, yet most of the time he is my pillar of strength. I think the most wonderful part of him is that he believes in me and loves me. And I can always be my true self in front of him.

When the dragon breathes fire and snorts smokes from her nostrils, the cat hides and stays away until the rainbow comes out. Then when the dragon calms down and feels guilty, the brave oxen gives a hug and looks wise. When the wombat is gloomy and it rains everyday, the cat gives a big goofy smile and chases the dark clouds away. Sometimes, the cat has claws and becomes a lion, oh hear the lion growl, and the little wombat bellys up and shudders but knows that the lion is still a cat at heart.

I think I'm the luckiest person in the whole wide world. Have I already said that? :) He doesn't push me away when I show off my terrible temper in its full colours and glory, and he doesn't get judgemental or critical when he knows I know I have done something or said something not very nice. He is tolerant of my faults and habits. Although he does get grouchy sometimes, he is willing to be cheered up. The best part is that we enjoy doing lots of fun things together, from intimate stuffs *ahem* ;) ... to playing computer games, playing chess and scrabble, blading together, driving in our car together, reading, studying, working .... everything! And to make things even more exciting, there's always a healthy and funny (as in haha) competition going on. Like when we are playing against each other, we'll try to beat each other flat with cheats and swindles and distractions, or when we are playing together against other opponents, there are still cheats, swindles and distractions. LOL. He doesn't have to be around with me all the time to make me secure, as long as I know he loves me, I am whole.

Am I not the happiest person in the whole wide world? :)

Now I've forgotten what else I wanted to write about tonight. My friend called me just now and interrupted my thoughts. Gosh, this friend of mine .... she mumbles into the phone and her voice trails off into the air to be swallowed by the deep eddy. I press the phone tight into my ear to catch the wisp of her voice by the tail, trying to shake out the vowels and consonants to catch its meaning before it slips away into the night. Erm ... what was I saying? Oh yeah ... this friend of mine. She laughs suddenly sometimes or smiles for no reason in the middle of a conversation. Her eyes are unfocused and you see your words going right through her head and out from the other ear. It's so exasperating sometimes and 'airhead' really suits her. Mind you, not that she's stupid or what, she's very intelligent and although one feels like strangling her and screaming down her throat, she's still a wonderful person. You wonder about her. *grins* ... no truely, I like her when I'm not feeling murderous. :)

Divorce is messy.

Really messy. To think someone you knew did an overnight chameleon act on you. Can you trust the person any longer? What was he thinking of? Was there really an excuse to do something like that? My friend's divorce upset her very much. I felt quite surprised when I knew the real reason. I met him for gatherings and dinners and he seemed very much close to her. Yet, *shrug*. I'm just glad that she is stong and has decided to move on, to think of it as a silver lining in the cloud. A friend said, "Poor ~, the guy doesn't know how to treasure good thing." I'm not sure I'd agree with that, but he was certainly wrong to do what he did. Now, everything you once shared must be split in between, or destroyed, or given away. It's really sad. Or was it really sad? I always thought that they were too different, and she's so full of life and zest, and keen to improve herself and go work in the UN. Oh well .....

I'm terrible at writing.

There are so many things I want to write about but they are all in my thoughts. I think about them, and they float away in the wind. I should capture them down and carve them on wood or electronic whatever. Yes, I really should. ;)

Where shall I start? Lots of things happened since I last wrote. I went to the National Individuals Schools Chess Championships today and felt like I've stepped into my history. I was that age too, when I was so excited and nervous. So eager to start the game, yet filled with butterfiles in the stomach. Mind filled with all the possible combinations yet fingers cold with dread worrying which move I should take. Now, I felt like looking out through the eyes of a ghost, drifting along in the babble, walking through the running kids and floating along the hushed hall. I felt calm, and I looked at the games without excitment. All these are over for me. I certainly can't play in tournaments anymore, though the idea of joining the National Women's flirted at the edge of my mind. It would be nice to take up the gauntlet, be alive and breathing (and sweating). To live with fear and insanity at the edge for one wrong move leads to a downfall. Do I have the courage? My sensibilities stepped in and woke me up from my muse. Naahh ... I'm too old and it's bloody too stressful, huh. Still, perhaps one day when I've time to practise, ... perhaps, perhaps .....

Friendship


Sometimes I wonder what friendship is all about. Can one really have a very best friend, someone whom you can tell all your secrets and who really understands you and stand by your side and be with you whenever you need them? Well, that sounds like my hubby right now :) ... but besides him, do I exactly have a girlfriend who is like that to me? Conclusion: I don't think so. No one, besides my hubby, falls into that category. Is that the way it is with most people? It seems that some girls I know have girlfriends to hang out with, but as one gets older, do such friends then drift apart and make their other half their only and best friend?

Or perhaps it's just me. I have quite a few good friends, but I sometimes wonder what friendship means. We used to email and share our troubles and joys but after a while everyone drifts off. Now and then, we still try to keep in touch, meet up for birthdays and the like, but not everyone really bothers so much. We all seem to be so caught up with our own work that it's hard to find time to get together without much trouble. Of course there are some who takes the effort but others require sheer persistence to get through to them. If I have not bothered, I would not have any of these friends left. If I have not bothered, would they still remember me around? If I have not bothered, would they still have bothered? On the other hand, would they still want me to keep bothering them? Had I been a good friend? What does a good friend do anyway? Perhaps one doesn't need friends anyway.

Friends cannot help you deal with your problems and troubles. Friends doesn't make troubles go away. I'll feel guilty if I unburden too much to them, then again I'll feel even more guilty if they unburden themselves to me and I cannot help them solve their problems either. So what is friendship all about?

Service with a Smile

Service is very important. It really makes you decide whether to do your business with them or not. Seriously speaking, I've come across some sales people who really give really good and wonderful services and who are always smiling, which makes you want to spend more money on their products. On the other hand, there are those sales people who really turn you off.

Last week, my hubby and I decided to get a car. We went to quite a lot of car showrooms. It was really interesting, seeing all those brand new cars waiting for us to buy! :P But gee ... the sales people at Toyota and Honda really made me feel like screaming. They were oh so dao. Treat us both like glass and were practically looking down their noses at us. Oh so high and mighty salesman ... especially the one at Toyota ... wah, the more I think of it, the more I wish they will plaster their faces in the toilet bowl so that the rest of humanity can have a better day. I mean, you don't show potential customers your black face or treat them like they're invisible or like they are only wasting your time or what right? Really vomit blood. Ha ... so we brought our money to some other company, and I must really commend the sales person at the Renault showroom. Gosh, he was so patient, and witty, and friendly and so eager to help us. Showed us around, catered to every whims and wishes of my hubby and had a rather impressive knowledge of the vehicle we were looking at. The car was rather expensive compared to the Japanese version of the same cc, but we were totally sold by the idea by the sales person. He was really good! Not only in selling his product but was one of the nicest sales person I've come across. Toyota and Honda are no big deal. So what if everyone buys your car? You just lost a potential customer! So Renault, here we come!

That's the problem with the sales in Singapore. Most of the time nowadays the sales people are rather friendly and they really made you feel good and want to buy things from them. Then again, there're always a small minority who are totally inflexible and unfriendly. If everyone in this country would boycott such sales people, I wonder what will happen to them? haha :P Okie, I know sometimes the customers can be very unreasonable. I've seen some very unreasonable customers demanding this and that, yet the very patient sales person still serve with a smile. I think those sales people are really impressive! At the end of the day, even the unreasonable customers became quite reasonable. We're not talking about those hard-core loud mouthed unreasonable customers. Those kind really no hope lah! :P

Untitled (for now)

The earliest memory I had was of this room. It was dark and gloomy with little light coming through the small window. The window was shut and the air was full of burning incense. The smell was smothering, and in the haze I could see a shaft of light passing through the dirty glass and lighting up a corner of the room – very dimly. In my memory, the walls of the room looked rather washed out. Were they painted red or was it just the gloom which caused it to look dark? There was a sound of someone sobbing which was being muffled by the continuous chanting of the priests in the background.

I could always see this picture very well in my mind’s eye. I remembered feeling annoyed that my dolls were taken away from me. Auntie whispered, “hush, no more playing” and quickly took my dolls away, dressed me up and shunted me into the gloomy room. I didn’t want to be there. The smoke hurt my eyes and there were many shadows in the room. There was a strong feeling of fear and anger surrounding me and everything in the room. Shadows shuffled in and out all the time. The sound of chanting left a buzzing sound in my ears and gave me a headache. I was very tired and there was no one to talk to. Was that my brother crying?

Whispers, whispers …. “poor child” ….. “does she know …. dying …. long and painful journey”. Footsteps on the wooden floor, long robes swishing around the door corner, and the monotonous chanting which went on and on and on …. I went to the dimly lighted corner and hid there. The dim light fell on my hands and I played with making shadows with my fingers. No one could see me. No one wanted to see me.

***

I haven't been thinking much lately, nowadays I'm just living in the present. Rushing from one place to another, at work when there's free time, I'll be preparing more work, and then doing another thing, followed by another or simply reading. Even doing yoga - especially the mediation part - one simply stops thinking and just be ... but mediation is good, it stills one and gives one a sense of peace and thoughts lay quiet.

Honestly speaking, there isn't much to think about nowadays! Am being very complacent and contented. Perhaps people who keeps thinking are still looking for something? I have found my peace and I don't seem to think so much about life.

But even if I do start thinking, what do I think about?

Bad blog ... last week I updated my blog with the things I always wanted to do, and guess what ... the bloody buggy bad blog bloody bleh on me. And I didn't save my work. Why should one save one's work when the whole idea is to simply type and post? Just like what a diary should be. Sigh ... guess I still have to save my work somewhere. troublesome. *bleah* Lazy moi. :P

Okie, let me see if I still remember what were the things I had wanted to do. I'll be 28 this year and there're so many things I really want to do before I get old. 28 is old. If one doesn't give oneself time to do the things one wants, then what would be the meaning of life?

1. I want to learn the violin.
2. I want to improve my piano.
3. I want to learn water colour painting.
4. I want to finish my knitting of the not-so-nice colour sweater which is actually for myself. Although everyone tells me the colour is nice, somehow I don't really like it very much. Do I change or simply stick with it till the end? ... I guess I'll just stick with it. Perhaps that's why I'm not too motivated to do it fast!
5. I want to learn Japanese.
6. I want to do more yoga. Basically I want to be able to do handstands properly by end of this year! :) I can do headstands now, but my arms and shoulders still lack the strength to do handstands on my own.
7. I want to go on a yoga retreat. *dream* :)
8. I want to improve my chess skills.

I'll add on to the list when I remember what else I want to do :)

Happy New Year!
It's a beautiful morning today. The sky is so blue, the trees look greener, the air smells fresher since there are few cars on the road today. What a great way to start a new year! Although I don't feel any different, nor any wiser, nor older ... :P But it's a good morning to carve my New Year resolutions in stone ... I mean, on virtual paper. :)

1. I will wake up early in the morning and do my yoga.
Hmmm. same as what I resolved to do last year but didn't manage to do so.

2. I will work harder and spend less money.

Okie, that's more than enough. :P And so much for waking up early to do yoga ... I feel like going back to sleep now .... *yawn* :P

I'm back! And I'm married!! .... and I'm the happiest person in this world!!! Well ... except perhaps for my hubby. :)

Gosh, it's been a long time since I blogged. Can't even remember where my blog is, but thanks to Hammie, a special friend who reminds me of cute little Hammie in Baby Blues, (though he looks nothing like that I'm sure (but come to think of it maybe he does - he has a baby face after all *grins*)) for his link to my page (and his page is found at amleth ), and his inspiration and reminder .... I'm back, once again .. haha.

Okie, I do have a lot of things to blog, it's been a long year, today being the last day, let me put down all that have happened ... slowly.

First, let me explain my absence (yeah right, excuses excuses) ... well, my monitor broke down and I bought a new LCD monitor! Way cool big 18th inch Sharp .... then my computer broke down, and that took me a reeeaaaally long time to get a new one fixed up. By then it was in Sept/Oct I think .... and I was really truely honestly (I swear) busy with work - exams and all that ... ya k'no .... okie okie ... so perhaps I was really hooked on Freelancer (great game btw) - got playing after watching now-hubby and bros playing and decided to push now-hubby off my computer to hog game myself. Won the whole game finally and got busy with work again, and shopping and trip to Aus and marriage prep .... and those are really my excuses. So now on the eve of the New Year, I'm finally free to sit down and blog. 2nd last day of my holiday! Time flies *whew*

Many things happened this year (2003). It had really been a busy year in terms of work. It's good to put that behind me and look forward to the new year, so I shan't blog that down, unless I have the time and feel like it. The best part of the year happened towards the end. By November, due to my best friend's nagging, I managed to buy a beautiful lime green dress for my rom. Got matching ear-rings and necklace - interestingly I actually bought them before I got the dress (I'm really fated to get the dress apparently), and after that most of the things are done. Shopping is always fun, period.

After which I went on a trip to Australia with my family and now-hubby. We visited Caines and Goldcoast. Here's a short account of the trip (whatever I can remember after two weeks):-

Day One
Was very ill on the whole flight cos' bro gave me flu before we flew. Touch down Caines 6am. Tour guide had a merry-go-round at airport cos' he has to settle domestic flight to brisbane and didn't know where to go. After that we went to visit the rainforest Kuranda. Mountaineous region, took a cable car up, beautiful scenery ... you really have to be there to see it. The dam, the waterfall, the river and the trees ... ahhhh :) Up there we met up with the Aboragines and got to know more of their culture - like their dances, boomberang and spear throwing. After which we visited the Noctarium where the koala bears and kangaroos and wallabies and crocodiles and wombats and komodo dragons or big monitor lizards reside. Koala bears are clingy and have a bushy butt. Wombats are oh-soooo-cute. with their short little piggy snort and they sleep with their four paws up in the air! Kangaroos and wallabies are too busy eating from the hands of visitors. Crocodiles are simply too lazy to blink at you. And the big monitor lizards ... well, the big monitor lizards ... are just big monitor lizards, or are they komodo dragons? I never know the difference.

Day Two
Great Barrier Reef! The sea, the sun, and the sea-sickness! I had fine sea-legs but I really felt sick after looking at some fellow passangers going green and literally throwing up in front of you! uurgh. We reached the floating platfrom in the middle of nowhere and did all touristy things possible. Snockel, swam, helicopter ride, glass-boat ride, semi-sub ride etc. Fun, hot and I'm burnt after that ... Aaahhhhh ... my rom!! :P

Day Three
This is the day we went free and easy and had really wonderful delicious mouth-watering food! Had crabs and lobsters and big prawns and shark fin and beef steaks. Before that compliments from the tour - first dish: boiled lettuce in abalone sauce. Verdict: salty. second dish: salt water ... erm, I mean soup. Verdict: salty :P We certainly didn't spent the whole day idling. We went horse-riding! My first time, so please be patient and imagine how exciting it was for me. Also the first time for all my family! My mom actually had the courage to ride a horse!

Her horse was called Noddy and she's really a naughty little horse.
All went up and down the mountain 'cept she who prefers to be boss.
Ate grass and weeds and refused to move,
till my mom whacks and cajoles her to move her hoofs!

I honestly think my mom over-reacted. haha.

And some things you never see on TV when heros ride into battles or the knight in shining armour on his white horse:-
1. The horse shits whenever he feels like it.
2. You are on the horse when he stops suddenly and big blobs of shit come out from his big asshole.
3. Your horse will sometimes step on the shit - do not let said horse then kick you.
4. Horse pee is dark yellow and forthy, and they pee as often as they shit.

Day Four
We had to wake up at 3am in the morning for our domestic flight to Brisbane. As usual at the airport, our dear tour-guide screwed up the terminals and a whole bunch of us had to drag our luggages to another terminal. Imagine 30 world-weary grey strangers stumbling in the dark dragging along their heavy burdens. We are so tired, we just want to rest ... oh my precious.... Damn the bloody tour guide.

So off we went to Brisbane and to Goldcoast and straight to Dreamworld. Oh ... dreamworld, where all your dream rides come true. Tower of Terror, Vortex, Cyclone, Wipeout ... names of rides which sends tingles down your spine. I've never ever went up anything before, and was going around with open-eyed wonder with hubby. Oh look, my little cousin is all alone queuing up for a ride, let's go let's go and keep him company! So round and round we go, higher and higher, and round and round, higher and higher, round and round .... and round and round. Why is the world still spinning even when I'm now on the ground? Oh my head! Round and round it goes, Aarrgh my tummy, round and round it goes. Will the world ever stop spinning? Does the Earth spins round the Sun or is it me on Earth spinning round the Sun? R O U N D and R O U N D ... and I really need to lie down till my world stop spinning. And never, never, NEVER, will I take a ride which goes round and round (famous last words) ... and never, never, NEVER, will I ever take a ride anymore.

A whole afternoon in the sick bay with medciene will be how I'll remember this day. :P

Day Five
Too sleepy to write ...

Do you ever feel kinda like 'brain-dead'? I'm a graduate, I got my degree which shows that I'm not that dumb, I did pretty okie in school, played some intellectual games, yet sometimes when I'm so busy at work, rushing from one place to another, I suddenly feel that I'm not 'thinking' anymore! My brains stopped exploring the mysterious world of creativity, where beautiful and wonderous things happen. Imagination - the breath of fresh air for our soul is buried in the midst of fog and haze of the real world. There is no time to pause and smell the sweet jasmine flowers - when you breathe, there's only the sour sewage tang of the blocked river. Do you admire the old wizened tree, so crooked yet so upright with bark so rough yet looked smooth - or did you only see the cars on the road flashing their headlights at you as you try to cross not at the traffic lights? Is that the sound of birds singing sweet piccolo-shrill notes, or just the squeeky electronic beep from your handphone screaming to wake you up at 5 in the morning? What is the world like now where all you see on tv is something dying or simply more bad news? Or should you be watching that in the first place when you can read a book and see the ancient castles and explore the strange pyramids with amazing characters? Sometimes I feel guilty seeing my friends continuing their studies. They are working hard and studying at night for some Masters. I'd rather not study but yet I want to learn new things and do more things. Is there a difference? But when am I going to start? That, my friend ... perhaps this little loft can give me some discipline and inspiration. :)

test test

testing testing

Finally, I managed to get this bloody blop err ... blog to work. There was a little trouble in the beginning, when I have to load and reload and alternate, control, delete. Whew ... all that's behind me now. Thanks to my dear friend Hammie ... I'm now set up and running. Dinner first, and I'll be back to my little loft where I can write just about anything and so there. :)

This is my first post.
Testing