Tuesday, April 11, 2006

dysfunctional thoughts

I really envy people who have supportive family in their lives. How I wish that I have such enthusiastic supportive parents too. But nooo ... what do I have? People who made me feel that I'm dumping my kid with them. People who made me feel that they have to take care of my baby until they have got no time even to eat. Or I don't know, many other things.

So what do they want me to do?

They aren't prepared to be grandparents at all. Who's going to take care of baby then? Perhaps at that time, we should have just aborted. Everyone would then be happy huh.

And I can't stop working right now because hubby is setting up on his own, and if things don't go well, the only income is from me. Am I also to be blamed for hubby's decision?

What do they want me to do?

After a stressful day at work, one comes home and hears one's father insinuating that one simply dumps baby with the mother until she has no time to eat, and she still has to do housechores - wash and cook.

I've told her before she doesn't have to do any housework. How can I stop her if she wishes to? And she doesn't have to cook if she doesn't want to. We can always buy back. Although she's one thousand times more particular about the food she eats. And if she doesn't take care of baby, who's going to take care of him? The in-laws are just as problematic, and they aren't always in town. I can't bring baby to school, and we can't afford a maid right now.

What do they expect me to do?

Sometimes I just hate them all.

Are they only happy if I go and sell baby off? Then of course we don't have to worry about no one taking care of him, or that we don't have money.

Even from young, that's what they'll do to me each time.

Will they be happy only if I go jump down from my bedroom back in their old house?

That's what they like to insinuate.

When mom came to take care of me for my confinement, it seems that I owe the whole family one big big huge debt. And so when mom takes care of my baby, it seems that I owe the whole family another huge huge big debt.

And there you read about some people whose parents are hoping to have grandkids, or your colleague whose parents stays with her to take care of her daughter over the week, or parents who actually love their children and are willing to take care of their kids for them.

I don't think my parents love me. Otherwise they're just really dysfunctional.

Or am I the only person who feels that she owes the family a huge huge big debt for even being borned into this world?

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