Thursday, January 05, 2006

Good intentions

Sometimes when I read blogs like this, it brings a smile to my face and makes me feel happy ... and I wonder why I want to write another awful post on some complainy stuff which is going to be boring and unhappy to think about. Do I really want to put things down that sound so upsetting? Perhaps I should look at things another way and try to make it sound positive, and not just complain complain and complain.

But I do need to get it off my chest somewhat, because the unhappy cynical side of me keeps having the issue turning and turning inside the head, while outwardly I smile and shrug and decide that it's no big deal. It still rankles ... somewhat.

But it isn't too bad today because dearest hubby was there and he helped, which meant a lot to me.


Not only am I turning into a frumpy housewife, I'm also becoming a complainy nit-picking grumpy old woman.

Sometimes I wonder, am I truely happy with what I have?

I spoke with an old friend this afternoon and somewhat I felt ... well ... comforted? She told me she only breastfed her baby for one week. I was planning to do so for three months and stop when I have to go back to work. Well, perhaps if it isn't too troublesome I might continue.

Yet I felt slightly guilty with this half-decision. I know I shouldn't be comparing myself with others, those who feed for six months or over a year etc. But I guess I'm like that. I need excuses to give to myself, to justify my action. I need encouragement and appreciation to keep me going or else I'll fall into depression and feel meaningless.

It's so damn painful for me each time baby latches on. He seems to be doing it correctly but the pain is there. The recent bout of high fever made me examine my breast carefully and I found hard lumps. Not too painful, but lumps. Were they the engorgement? Perhaps I should have gone for those antenatal classes after all. What do I know? Only what I've read from the book and the internet.

Mom kept telling me that she gave up after a short while because it was too painful ... and was there a silent suggestion that I too give up since I'm feeling miserable quite often? When you're miserable, you don't need to hear another person's misery.

The only thing that kept me going is because I'm just so stuborn.

And my posture is terrible because none of the pillows we have is supportive. They're too soft and they sink in, and I'm hunching. It makes it all the more terrible with my frequent bouts of headaches and now neck and shoulder aches ... and even the wrist hurt.

And when you have your mother telling you that hey, formula is just as good, now all fortified or dunno what, and see ... all of you also grow up strong and healthy. And then you start to think ... and wonder if all this pain is going to be worth it next time when baby grows up. Would he turn out to be a good boy? I've heard too many stories and watched too many stuffs and even seen too many real life cases. I'm just too damn practical as well as stuborn.


And I should be allowed to rest more.

Tomorrow I will go for my massage.

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