Thursday, October 07, 2004

Dazed Days

We had a workshop for the last couple of days which ended at about 5 and 6pm. Hmmm, it doesn't really sound that bad right? But not if you're starting work at 7.30am and have to wake up by 5am. And with a lovely headache accompaning you all throughout the day.

I feel morbidly stoned now.

It's not easy to be a working female and wanting to start a family. Just imagine. If this is going to be a typical workday, by the time she comes home, it'll be like 7 or even 8pm (from the looks of it, it's just going to get later, especially with the five day work week). Yesterday she was totally knocked out by 9pm. She doesn't yet have to cook, wash and clean. Will she be able to do all these and work as well? Will she be able to cook a nice hot dinner for the family to enjoy? It's no wonder that many people are not having kids nowadays. If one has to work from day to night, where would the time be to spend for the children? And we see all the problems growing kids have, isn't it enough to frighten one away and swear off them? Will having all those initiatives help at all?

Is there a meaning at all to life, having to rush from one thing to another without having time to enjoy?

And one important lesson I've realised today is that when one is thinking of leaving, one should not let others know about it, because there are some who would take advantage of the situation and pile lots of work onto you as well as giving you crap, because you won't be around next time to make their lives miserable.

I'm just tired ...
and I wish I've got 8 million dollars cash. :P

Sometimes I wonder if I can manage on my own. Will I be able to be independent enough? Having lived all my life with my parents and having them do almost everything for me, it can be rather overwhelming to move out. We are so used to live in a cage with our wings clipped that perhaps we don't want to fly out of the cage and explore the unknown world for all its richness. I envy people who can study abroad and be independent. They have dreams beyond my wildest imagination, for the dreams of a captive bird is only when feeding time is and what food will be served today.

That's one reason why I wanted to have a house of our own when we were planning to get married. I do not want to live with anyone's parents. Not mine, not his. I want to try to survive on our own, at least for a while. To taste the hardship together, to find ways and means to cope together and explore the world on our own. Without having to fall back on our parents. And thus, we can grow and know our limitations. If we had moved in with them, it would be just like from one cage to another glided cage. You'll be nagged at for almost every single thing, and be treated as a kid.

I want to learn to be independent. To take care of my hubby and myself. To do things on my own, in my own way, in my own time. I want to be able to make mistakes without having disapproving eyes breathing down my back. I want to be able to work hard to build my dream with my hubby. And I know it's not going to be easy.

I want to keep my job, but still be able to prepare a hot meal with hubby almost every day. I want to keep doing the things I like, but still be able to keep the house neat and clean. I want to meet problems which will surface in our daily lives together and be able to resolve them together with hubby. Perhaps in this way, both of us can be stronger and more resilient and perhaps then we can think of moving out of the country and doing other things with more risk involved.

We would never know if we stay in a cage. And would it have worked if we simply jumped straight into the frying pan?

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