Friday, October 05, 2007

Why I feel stressed Part Two

I spent the whole day with my boy today. I wish I have more time to spend with him. I wish when I'm with him my mind is not elsewhere, like how I need to clean the house, to cook, to feed him etc. Why can't I simply enjoy being with him?

He didn't want to eat his porraige. He kept spitting them out. I yelled at my mom when she nagged for the nth time that the fish was sliced too big. OKie, fine, so she always manages to feed him till his bowl is clean. Yeah rub it in, Dad. You weren't a great parent when we were young either. Why do I have to hear so much crap from you?

The thing is, I still need encouragement. My boy is almost two and yes, I'm still breastfeeding. To my parents, it's like ... 'disgusting'. Big boy still breastfeed. Breastfeed already he won't eat anything else, he'll only want milk. See? When you are around he won't eat his food. When I go to my parents' place, I'm told to 'disappear' when they want to feed him his dinner, otherwise he won't finish his food, because there's always his milk. I'm made to feel guilty that I'm causing him not to eat proper food. Yep, that last sentence definitely hit the nail on the head. But I'm too thick-skinned to really let it affect me, but it hurts inside. When my boy doesn't want to eat his porraige. What should I do?

For all people say that breastmilk is good, if he doesn't want to take his solid food, he'll be hungry. And he'll suffer. If only my dear boy would take his solid food. If only if only if only.

And I tried. A different tactic. I canned him today. Not once, not twice, but a few times. There were red streaks on his arm. I felt like crying. The first two times he looked a bit amazed. Was it a new game? Only when he cried, after the nth time he spitted out his food. Did he learn? I'm not too sure. I explained and explained. And looked at him and told him he cannot do it. But did he understand? It seems that my mom is doing it better than I am. I'm just not spending enough time with him.

I wished I could have more time with him. Holidays are coming, but hubby doesn't have any help. He called me earlier. Five times no less, cos his assistant didn't turn up. But what can I do? How does telling me help? I was happy until I knew. It just makes me stressed. I'm expected to do this, I'm expected to do that. What to do?

And the best part of it all, is the voice at the back of my head. Whose voice? The MIL, her accusing voice that I like working more than taking care of my boy. Yeah right. She might not know what she have said, but the words will always be remembered. If I'm rude enough, all hell will break loose.

I need to chill with friends.

Anyway, this is the second time I tried making baked rice. This round it turned out pretty good. I loved it. Ate a bit too much too. Hubby seemed quite neutral with it, but he did say it was better than the first time. The first time the prawns and other stuffs were boiled before added to the rice and baked. It didn't turn out that nice. This time, acting on a hint from my brother (younger), I fried the prawns and chicken and squid and onions in butter before adding the rice and cheese. Yep, my younger brother is quite a cook. He's pretty proud of his fried-rice, but I wasn't too impressed, since I think my fried rice is pretty good too. Plus fried rice is so chicken feed. HAhaha. Anyway, for a time, he was pretty obsessed with baking bread, and actually borrowed books to read up on it. I even saw some dough being covered up, waiting to rise. But somehow the final product was elusive. And he was very very elusive too when I kept bugging him to let me try his bread. So one day, I asked my mom, and finally found out that ALL his bread attempts failed. Big F9. They were as hard as rock. Ha. Ha. Ha. Man, I'm evil.

Coming back to my baked rice, I added some pasta sauce and I kinda regretted it. Tasted a bit sour. Hmm, have the pasta sauce turned bad yet? Hubby wanted to eat spaggatti and pasta and bought this big bottle of pasta sauce, and we only had spaggatti once, and the sauce was kept in the fridge. There didn't seem to be any mold growing on it, so I assumed it was still safe to use. Maybe I'll skip the pasta sauce the next time. Will need to add bell peppers and pineapples. Yep, that'll do the trick.

Still, I'm quite pleased with my baked rice. Heh. :)

Need to add more prawns though. Was fighting with hubby for them.

There was a German fair, and I bought more German knives. *bleah* And two latte glasses. :) Not that we drink coffee, but the cats were sooooo cute! Can't I buy some stuffs to cheer myself up? The cats were all so cute. I want to get more!! Hubby got no money to buy for me. *sniff* And I got a boy who'll break my things if I buy too many deco stuffs. So perhaps next time.

I'm stressed too because I'm undergoing some withdrawal symptomes from something I shall not talk about anymore now what with all that stuffs going on. :(

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