Monday, May 09, 2005

Blue black

Dear blog,

I feel depressed lately. Can you tell? Just a little every day. Just down, closed-in, gloomy. There are many things I do not write here, or show to the world. I keep a smiley poker face and wished there's someone I could pour out all my worries and troubles and indecisions. I used to be able to do that to a friend, not sure if that person is actually listening though, but at least having blab it all out, it feels better, not because it solves all problems, but at least you get a different perspective of how things are. Friend is just as cynical as self. Not sure about now though.

I feel stressed with so many things to think about. Even yoga didn't help much yesterday. It didn't feel like I've done enough work-out to make the mind go numb. Perhaps I shall go and do twenty sun salutations after this. Anyway I've decided not to go to work today. But that just add even more to the guilty feeling.

It doesn't help to tell hubby, because he gets stressed as well as there is nothing he can help. He needs to find solutions to problems, you see. But I just need to take the heavy stone off my heart and have someone laugh with me about how silly this whole world is, and how silly I'm being.

Trivial things: I don't like my workplace very much. I don't like the people there. They aren't friendly. I still feel like a stranger. I missed my old place. Even though not everything there is a bed of roses too. But I'm just whining.

I couldn't finish my markings over the weekend. There're just so many other things to do. I could have finish them at work today, but they lined up some activities that the precious time is taken away. And I thought those activities were supposed to give time for us to finish our markings! What a joke!

I'm worried about how things are going to turn out in the near future. My plans have gone willy-nilly. I can't think how I'm going to be able to straighten things out. Someone said before that I'm kinda of a control freak. Perhaps that's true, now that I think of it. Subconsciously, I do have a kind of control on my life so far. Moving along in terms of a general blur picture, the way I had wanted things to be. Now, like a watery image in the pond, a stone has been cast, and the image has gone to pieces. What am I going to do?

Actually I just need to whine about how things are not going as planned for myself. And I need someone to sympathise with me and not think that I'm just being a spoilt brat whining about how life sucks. ha. Actually I am, and I just can't stand it.

So there.

And now to think of how not to get into trouble for not going to work today. *bleah*

Actually I do have a good reason not to go to work today, but it just doesn't sound very plausible to my ears. I need someone to affirm that it's all right and it's a good reason not to go to work. And hubby doesn't quite help, because after all he'll always be on my side. *sigh*

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