Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Empty Being

Before I forgot, I just like this phrase:

But I think you have a right to know what it is you're not being told.

Wyrd Sisters, Terry Pratchett

Dunno why. Thought it was darn funny at that time. :P

Oxymoron: closely apart.

Was reading Her World mag the other time when I was getting my hair cut. Too long, too hot and for all kinds of reasons, I'm sure.

Came across this article about women friendships. Read halfway so what do I actually remember? Not much. haha.

No really, it was about the type of friends one has. The many different type of friends one can have. It's kinda interesting, because when I think about it, I don't really have one single best friend, but many best friends to do different things together. And perhaps it's just me, but I realised that when I really really need to talk to someone, there isn't any a best friend to talk to. I just can't get the words out. It's just not me to be able to feel sad when talking to another friend. Hmm. But it seems easier for me to write about it, or 'talk' about it over icq. Less emotions involved, I guess. I feel more dissociated then.

I wonder if any of my friends have ever seen me cry before. :P

I bet they might have been surprised. Not that I've ever seen them crying either. It's just not like us chess gals to show weakness I guess. Mustn't let your opponent know too much or something. *laughs*

But I had other friends who needed my shoulder to cry on. It felt strange actually. We were pretty close then and we drifted slightly, and she called me up a long time ago cos she wanted to see me. I remembered we sat by the rink, and I pass tissue after tissue to her while she let it all out. I never felt I could talk to her when I had a problem though.

An ex-classmate once sat with me while I cried when I couldn't do bloody thermodynamics. It was rather embarassing actually. But I was just so sad. I had to meet my group of friends later, and I wonder if any of them even suspected that I had been crying earlier. Perhaps someone might have, he was looking at me rather strangly, and I doubled up my efforts to cheer up and avoid the questioning glance.

And when I am sad, I would just locked myself up in my room and cry. It's not really so much of feeling sad, but feeling self-pity and pathetic and useless. And to have a rational voice in the head chiding non-stop for making a fool out of oneself. I guess sometimes it's just another way to let out all those pent-up frustrations and emotions, and probably have to do with them hormones too. Most of the times, I don't feel sad enough to cry. It must be those chemicals. :P

I guess when I do cry, I just want to indulge in it ... so it's kinda hard to be comforted, for me .. at least. heh.

Coming back to the article, damn I must get my hands on it again.

And I must try to write to/sms Lin more often. I'm just feeling too into myself to be able to 'talk' to her. *sigh*

Now all I want to do is to pull out my throat and give it a good scrub. It feels damn grummy and sore all over.

There isn't anyone 'talkable' on icq for me to whine to about how bad my life is right now. *sniff* *sniff*

I should go and get some sleep actually.

It's rather awful to be feeling sick, but yet not too sick. It's like neither here nor there, like having your head removed from your body, and not being able to put it back, except to whack it hard. Well, I mean ... whatever.

The back of my throat is sore, it itches. But it's not red enough to impress anyone yet. I've been on mac extra since yesterday, and too much of that seems to make my tummy uneasy. I've been drowning water like a camel, whoops .. haha, I mean fish. hahaha ... but it doesn't seem to soothe the throat very much. One side of the nose is slightly block, but not too block nor leaking much to make me look pathetic. I've been blowing quite a bit, yet not enough to have a red and peeling nose.

Damnit, I'm just not sick enough. And it's damn awful to be like that.

It's definitely stale-mate in there!

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