Thursday, September 09, 2004

Pensive thoughts

I've wanted to write this.

Reading Play Pen's blog ... it suddenly struck me as how much I've been avoiding this issue. Why I had been unhappy with my job. Why I had been depressed with work. Why I had been avoiding or trying to avoid mentioning work. Why I have not even been very truthful in my blog. Why I had been angry at the drop of a pin. I think I can even remember when it all started.

I dislike confrontations. I end up avoiding people, things, issues ... whatever. And it all started sliding downhill when I start to wonder if I had been wrong to do what I did. Sometimes one needs some encouragement as much and I haven't gotten any. Maybe I'm just too stubborn to listen and to accept them.

Maybe it's just me, because I disliked them.

I shall put down my beliefs again. I do not believe in doing the work for them. I do not believe in giving out beautifully printed notes word for word in perfect grammatically correct sentenses for them to memorise verbatim. They expected me to, they wanted me to, like the previous teacher they had. This was the class I was with for two years. They weren't interested in the questions I posed them, for will it get them their As? They wanted answers. They wanted nicely printed answers. And she who worked with us gave her classes the perfectly crafted answers they so rooted for. She gave them great hints to the questions which will appear before the exams and tests, and everyone knew that if you are taught by her, you'll get good grades. My other colleague complained to me much about the 'underhand' tactics she did, but I didn't want to be involved. I shall continue to do things my way. I do not like them to take short-cuts. It's not all about grades at the end of the day. It's about learning, about thinking, not about being a sheep.

Maybe it's just me, for I started disliking them. And they probably disliked me as well.

They did not do their homework, even if they were given five days to finish them. They just wanted me to give them the model answers. One day, I blew my top when one student did not do his work again ... it was boiling underneath all along. I felt that they did not want to listen to what I taught, because all they had wanted were the stuffs from the other teacher.

To cut the long story short, I scolded him, and he complained to the heads, and VP kinda 'reprimanded' me for that. Hmmm ... actually to tell you the truth, I was not really sure what she was trying to say to me. I think she mentioned something about changing my teaching methods to suit their wishes. They said she's damn inefficient. I had to agree. I've put all these away, but I've never been happy again back there.

That's one of the reasons why I avoided Teachers' Day this year.

So I played truant and got hubby to give me an mc, which I should never have done. :P At least he had one extra hour of sleep for that. :)

We had the caring teachers' award nominations. They gave us essays our students wrote when they nominate us. I am not a popular teacher, because I don't care to be extra nice, I guess. But one student whom I've taught for two years in my previous form class three years ago wrote something ... which doesn't exactly bring me to tears, but it does feel encouraging. Because someone realised and respect what I'm doing for them. And that is good enough for me. I smile because of that.

And I must admit, I'll never win a caring teachers' award, because all the spoilt and foolish kids can go and destroy themselves for all I care. I reiterate: I hate humans anyway.

Wow. I had 13 essays all together. About 70% of them are meaningful, meaning the rest the kids just write because they've no one to write about. You see, it was a compulsory exercise. Part of their English essay writing thingy. Shessh.

To hell with work anyway. There's too much politics and too much backstabbing and all things unimaginable going on. I'm glad to be out of it soon. The environment is freezing cold in there. brrrr.

Maybe it's just me. :P

And to hell with them all. I'm glad to get this off my chest. I'll try to be happy till the end of this year. :) And see ... my kids did win in the CG after all. And it's not because of me. It's because of themselves. So you see, one doesn't need to spoonfeed, to cuddle and to give in to whatever wishes and whims they have, like staying overnight in school to finish the project because they started it last minute and you have to stay with them and help them to finish. You gave in too much to them and they stepped all over you, and you made us all suffer for being the fool you were. It's all about firm discipline, encouragement and enthusiasm. I think these few will go far, and I'm proud to know them. Okie, they managed to squeeze a treat out of me though. hmmf. heh.

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