Tuesday, November 02, 2004

The noise goes on

The drilling goes on and on. I can hear it in and out of my head. It is relentless, cruel, mocking, long long short. There is no peace. Arrgh.

I thought I could come home and revise my lessons or play the piano or sleep. But this is driving me crazy. Hubby doesn't seem much affected by it at all. Humf. I need to get out soon.

Here's something worth reading about. Very well written I think.

A Chinese traditional wedding. Hmm ... that is what most people are asking me when I am having one. Or rather, they would ask, 'when am I getting married?' aka 'having a chinese traditional wedding'. To me, I don't feel the need to have one. Hubby and I are both Teochews, but after reading the above, I was quite surprised to find out that there're so many things I didn't know.

Traditions are passed down in the family. My family has not exactly been a very traditional one. Perhaps if Grandfather was still around, things might be different. We do not have a large happy family. I am not close to any of my relatives at all. When we were young, we used to be so, but as we grew up, the adults have their differences and everyone slowly drifted apart.

My parents are not very much concerned about traditions. Sometimes I feel that my father doesn't really care about us. Mother does care, but only superficially. As long as our physical needs are looked after, as long as we grow up to be strong and healthy and independent, they're okie with it. I won't say I am emotionally close to my parents. I wouldn't talk to them about issues close to my heart, and they aren't the kind to invite confidences. On the other hand, I am my mother's listening ear. I listen to her 'complains' and her comments and sometimes I wonder if it has made me cynical and bitter about a few things. Don't get me wrong, mother doesn't take anything to heart. She's a happy and cheerful lady and she doesn't have any grudges about anything at all. In the end, all her negative emotions come to me instead, and I am the one being angry and unhappy for her.

I have been told many times not to expect anything from anyone. Not from my parents or from my in-laws. If we were to have a traditional wedding ceremony, I will have to do and plan everything. The four points of gold in a teochew marriage? I've certainly not heard of that! Once when I asked my mom if she's going to give me anything when I ROMed, my mom mentioned that she'll give me a set (earrings, necklace, bracelet) only if I have the wedding dinner. So I decided to forgo it, since it doesn't exactly sound very sincere and also I don't think I want my mom to spend the money, since half the time she would complain about money matters. If I really want it, I can buy it with my own money which I worked for. There's never any use asking people for things.

I'm not sure about my in-laws though, but I've been told not to expect anything from them too. My parents and my in-laws aren't exactly very close either. Both are the reticent types and when we put them together, there really isn't much conversation to have.

I did actually think about having a traditional wedding celebration. Ideally, it was to be on the 1st anniversary of our ROM, just in time when our house is completed. A church service in the morning, followed by the tea ceremony and wedding dinner at night. After which we can retire to our new little nest. But it's not going to happen anymore. The alternative plan was to just have the tea ceremony cum house warming. Something simple. But I'm not sure if this is going to happen either. Because, the place doesn't seem to be ready yet and besides hubby is now talking about wanting to have a real wedding dinner, and if we are going to, then shouldn't we have the tea ceremony and dinner together on the same day? And what about the church service? When are we going to put that in?

I'm not very enthusiastic about it all now. No one seems to be very enthusiastic about it either. My parents don't seem to be very enthusiastic about me getting married, nor are hubby's parents. I don't know. I am someone who need to be infected by another person's enthusiasm and joy sometimes. My ROM was quite a success mainly due to Wen's enthusiasm and prodding. I think she was even more excited than me. She'd keep asking me about it and discussed with me the nitty gritty stuffs and got me on task. If left to just me and hubby, I doubt we would really get things done much.

Even right now, when we do talk about having a wedding dinner, it's just talk, but nothing concrete, nothing definite. The only thing nice about having a wedding dinner is it'll be nice to invite some of my close friends to share my joy. But as the days pass, I wonder ... do I still have any close friends? There aren't any relatives I would like to share my joy with. It just feels that there isn't anyone I'd like to share the joy of getting married with, except hubby of course, but we're already married. No one seems to be interested either. Life just goes on. Perhaps if Grandma is all right, perhaps, just perhaps I might be more keen to have one. And on my paternal side, no one seems to care either.

It's supposed to be a joyous occasion. But when I try to imagine it, somehow part of me dread it. It's not too good to have too much knowledge about other people, it just makes you unhappy with them. I'm not very keen to talk about it either, it's better to have zilch expectations.

And I must never forget it's good enough just to have hubby, who loves me. :) Nothing else really matters.

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