Sunday, August 22, 2004

Talking to self ...

Now that I have more time on a Sunday, I must!! I must!! make use of this extra time properly! Always I waste it, again ... heh. I shall put this down on my blog so that there'll be no excuses and it's a reminder for myself.

a. I shall practise an hour on the piano every morning after seeing hubby off to work. b. after which I shall go for yoga. There ... it isn't overly ambitious, is it? Will think of other things to do then.

Hubby said he saw someone riding on a motorbike carrying a carrier strapped to his front, with a cute little dog in it! So cute! But gee ... isn't it sort of dangerous? Too bad, he was trying to juggle his palm to snap a pic, his handphone since I happened to call at the same time, and the steering wheel ... duh, so he didn't manage to get a pic for me.

Doing yoga certainly makes me feel more generous in my outlook with life. I feel more relaxed and less stressed right now. Just this morning, I was feeling rather crotchety and had some nasty thoughts. Heh ... they're rather offensive in a way ... hmmm.

They're really offensive, but hey ... this is my blog right? And these were my nasty thoughts, though I don't really feel that way anymore. Strange how the mind works.

Reading this other person's blog about wanting to die and not finding love again, and asking how to die ... I was very very much tempted to comment there that no one is stopping him from jumping in front of an incoming train. In fact, lately this had happened twice already, whether by accident or by design. And if that person is really serious, he could think about following them. At the end of the day, it'll just be another side-news, another statistic ... and people will soon forget about it. This world is like that, no one really cares about what happened to you. Your own life is in your hands, and we're all just nothing! Only you can make yourself to be something.

That was really a nasty thought wasn't it? Ah well ... let me get it out of my system.

Next nasty thought of the morning: (strange how one's mind becomes nasty sometimes)
I was quite tired to read hewhowritesprettywell's blog ... another boring article of an idealistic system. I shout: It's not practical at all! Horrors! There's no room for dreams to happen in this society we have created! Parents want the best for their children, and they do not want to see them struggle through life like what they have endured, don't they? Hasn't it always been like this for the loving doting parents? (if they are like that, and if they aren't, what then?) And do you know how exactly it is like in schools? We chase papers! O level certs, A level certs, dip certs, degree certs, certificates of awards etc ... so that you can end up with a good job at a desk, from 8-6 everyday like a zombie, support your family, pay the taxes and contribute to the national reserves, and use your cpf for your old age so that you won't be a burden to the society. Oh and don't fall ill. Stay healthy. Oh horrors! No one of any sense wants to be a cleaner, or a construction worker ... or whatever. You must get good grades otherwise the school will not get its awards. We don't want you to think or ask too many questions ... just do it this way, practise the ten-year-series and you'll get your As. I wonder what it was all for. Are we willing to take the risk and gamble upon you winning in the olympics and make a name for yourself? Mediocre vs meritocracy. Which wins?

A person who thinks: which is better? To strike out alone on an unknown path or to tread the familiar well-known path? To be safe or sorry? To argue and uphold one's dreams and visions, or to follow the one who holds the winning ticket? Must one be pragmatic? Can one afford not to be pragmatic? I remembered I read an article by someone who wrote that he was willing to give up his studies and become a professional chess player, and his mentor actually said ... actually told him that playing chess only will not feed him. (or to that extent!) Of course that made him think twice and he decided to continue his studies (and chess as a hobby).

What dreams do we have? I looked at them and wonder. Day after day they are bombarded with more knowledge. To stretch their creativity, we say. To give them more choices, we decided. Forward to a better future. They don't have much of a choice, do they? Life is too good and passion doesn't exist without hardships. There's always a backup plan, and you don't need to go hungry. You don't have to fear being a failure ... for isn't it what it is all about? Failure. Failure. Failure ... Can one live with that?

For at the end of the day, money talks. If you're rich and need not struggle to get your next meal ... you sure as hell can dream.

But perhaps it isn't all that bad after all. There are people who chases their dreams and reap its rewards. Not necessarily monetary, but good enough for them. They are able to withstand real hardships and have lived through suffering. I can only look on ...

... for I sure as hell don't have a dream, nor even had one before.

But I'm happy. Very happy, most of the time. :)

From my hubby's blog ... I quote:

What is our common destination? Oblivion or paradise vs. hell?

If we live each day with the realisation that life is only transient, I guess it would be a given that we would live it differently.

Why do we strive so hard everyday.... for more money, more power, more status? We cannot bring it with us when we go.

Is it because we crave the approval, or even the adulation of our fellow men?

To what end?

Where is the sense of self-worth? the self-esteem? Need we obtain it from the approval of society at large? I guess the answer for the majority of all people must be in the positive.

Are we then striving for the insubstantial and inconsequential?

And yet if this need for approval does not underpin out strivings? What will? What can? What will drag us out of our warm beds at the start of each day?

I have many questions for which I have no answers for.

Yet I know that if I were to have only one more month to live, I would stop all the striving for the insubstantial and inconsequential. I would spend time with family and friends (perhaps travel a bit to see more of this world and it wonders).

To strive is to live in the future. "If I work this hard, I can enjoy myself this much 5, 10, 15 years later". It ignores the present for the ephemeral future. The now, the present, what we can grasp in our hands this instant for the wispy, uncertain future which we hope for but for which we cannot bank on. What I mean is this: we are all alive this instant (I know if you can read this, you ARE), but who is to say we would still be alive at any point in the future?

Perhaps the source of approval for which we base our strivings is inappropriate. Perhaps we should accept that in any case, there is no need to seek approval from the appropriate Source.

All we need to do is to accept Love that is freely offered to us, that we do not deserve. If we were to do so, we are also accepted (reference: the acceptance that we crave for) and justified.

Perhaps that is the answer to all these questions.

Carpe diem

I cannot think anymore, and I don't want to think too much either. For now, I shall just exist ... completely self-centered, caring only for people I love ... till the day I pass.

Does it really matter after all? We live our own lifes ... the choice has always been in our hands.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Why is it "nasty" if you're just saying what you really think? :-)
~ xena