Some scattered thoughts

For some people, it seemed like they'll never fit in anywhere. I always felt like an outsider when I was in school. From young. Somehow I didn't feel like I fit in with the rest of the crowd. Instead, I'll have my nose forever stuck in a book and dreaming of worlds beyond the horizons. Worlds of imaginary, worlds where I build and create. Worlds in my control. And the truth of reality is simply too hard to bear, that perhaps I shut my eyes and thoughts to it and simply exist. Even till now, and I dislike reading newspapers.

But life is so fleeting. There must be a compromise. I could wish I lived at the top of the mountains with my dearest one, with flying turtles and and bleating sheeps for company. No cares, no worries ... then what is the meaning of living? Life is a journey of discovery, a journey where one experiences. But if we were to coat our lives with sugar and honey and block out the night, are we short-changing ourselves? Then again, if we can coat our lives with sugar and honey and all things nice, why not? Why open our minds to the truth? Do we need to know? Does it make any changes significantly?

Every place is the same; every country is the same. Even if you live outside the matrix, your choices are still governed, only by a different set of rules. In this case, the rules of survival. If you live within the matrix, then you are being controlled by the rules of the matrix. So .... the only choice one has, is to choose whether to live within or outside the matrix .. wala ... haha.

For me, the only real happiness is to have found someone who understands me, who loves me for myself, whom I understand and loves. And it doesn't matter where I am and what I do, for there is a bubble around us where we can return to, and all else is simply just that.

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Unhappiness, upset and loneliness. As people grow old, and their children grow up, they have their own lives to lead, their own happiness to pursue. There is work pressures, working from 8am to 10pm; and all one wants is to spend the rest of the time doing own things. Are we being selfish if we want to make use of our precious time for ourselves? We're still there for you, but just a little further, but we still do make time for you. Can you not understand? Can you not let go more and make it less guilty for us to live our lives? I can understand your loneliness and I know that all you want is our presence. But there's nothing for me to do there, and I'm not gregarious by nature. It's hard for me to continually keep up a conversation with you or try to keep you entertain, when all I want is to curl up and read a book or sleep or use the computer. Sheesh, most of the time I'm in my room and hardly talk to my own parents too! I know that you wish that we will always remain by your side but you have to give us room to grow. Leave us guilt free to be happy. What is done is already done. Let us make our choices without any more unhappiness.

Most of the time I'm a very unsociable creature. Whenever my family has big extended long family gatherings like family dinner with all the relatives, I will go ... yes, eat my share of the food, definitely ... and stick my face behind a book. Minimum conversation, not that anyone really wants to talk to me anyway. I do not like eating with colleagues. Unless I'm feeling unnaturally hyper that day, else five minutes to finish up everything and back to work. I have a small circle of friends, whom I make an effort to keep in touch - like three of four times a year. And thank goodness for the internet. Hey, it's supposed to be an improvement, since when I was young, I never had a habit of keeping in touch with anyone. I never called anyone outside school hours from primary school all the way to JC. I even forget my classmates' names when I return to school after the holidays! heh heh ... good thing the close circle of my friends stick. I really appreciated that.

My circle of friends are those who have the same hobbies as me, or who have similar interests as I have. They remain my friends because there is something we can do together, a common bond which brings us together. And I find it hard to talk to other people otherwise. It's just me ... and it's very tiring having to keep up conversations with people so different and so strange. And there are those whom I'm eternally grateful to because they will still try to keep in touch with me even though I never did. Which reminds me ... I should. whoops :P

And thank god for Wen ... sometimes I really wonder where I will be if not for her. She's the closest friend I could have, not that close but close enough. She's someone who got me doing all the things I wanted to do, for I'm afraid of doing and I'll be forever procastinating. Would I have done yoga? Would I have gone to Japan? Would I have gone for any holidays at all as a matter of fact. heh. Would I have become more independent? Would I have managed to get my ROM going properly? Hmm ... wow ... I doubt I'd have done so many things without her motivation and instigation. :) And the strangest part is that we are so different. heh heh ... Some of my friends are always wondering how I knew her ... I wonder what story I said ... heh heh. People whom I take an effort to try to keep in touch with are those friends who have in some way or other helped me in my life. These are real friends whom I'll always treasure.

I'm falling asleep ... scattered thoughts indeed. :)